I have a lot of anger towards this shit and even though I haven't touched it in 15 months, it still haunts me and gives me anxiety. I need to vent and tell this shit off, once and for all- (I might swear)
Coke- you fuckin disgusting toxic poisonous powder. You ruined four years of my life. You fucked up my brain and changed me forever. Puking, heart racing, sweating, pacing, just one more- make it a big one, hair goes up, pj's on, makeup smearing, heart pounding, can't sit still- even if you paid me, one more gagger, need a cigarette, chain smoking, another one, talking my ass off, can't speak at all, I hear something..the cops?? I see the lights out the window, have to look, cannot get away from the window, ready for the pigs to bust down the door, why doesn't anyone else seem to be worried, can't we clean this shit up or hide it or something, chain smoking, ripping lines, not answering my phone- why won't he stop calling, I'll be home when I'm home damnit- I'm leaving in 30 minutes, I swear- just one more, way to afraid to leave and drive, pounding water- I can't even drink alcohol- what the fuck! Total sketchball, total skitso, I hear someone outside the door, its dark out, I race from the car to the front door because some dark crazy person is hiding behind the bushes ready to jump out and attack me- hurry up and unlock the door, I'm bugging out- finally inside, dump it out- light a cig, heart maxed out, mouth dry and numb, just one more- here's my last dollar, I swear I'll pay you tomorrow, I'm getting my paycheck. Do you have any green?? Can I bum a butt?-lets go get some cigs- can't drive, the cops will get me- can't speak- no fun, staring out every window, do you have any visine? Do you have any lipgloss? God damn my neck hurts, I need my back cracked so bad, will someone give me a massage?- do another and another- fuck i'm out- I need more.
Fuck this shit- I hate what you did to me and why no one else seemed to be feeling the same way- much more calm, enjoying themselves, chillin... Thank god for my pregnancy or I would have had to be admitted for sure. Never again will you ever make me feel so horrible. I don't know why anyone even likes you! You make everyone feel like shit- and you're WAY to expensive. Thank God above for my pregnancy, I'll never touch you or look at you or be around you again- and I pray for those whose lives your ruin. Thanks for taking all my fuckin money and making me act crazy. I don't how I didn't OD, but thank GOD.
My hearts racing as I write these words- I'm so pissed at this shit and how it ruined four years of my life. Now I am left with irrational fears and night terrors, thanks a lot. Its been 15 months and I still am so angry. Well, as each day goes by, I hope I will be able to forgive the crazy person that I was and realize that I never have to feel that way again. And I'm not drinking either. Not today, not tomorrow. I pray for all those who have fought this battle and I pray that you will not let this shit haunt you anymore.
Today I am grateful for:
My beautiful son sleeping next to me right now,
The support thus far from my family,
This wonderful sober blog community,
That today is another sober day,
That I have lost 2 pounds in 5 days- gained 65 in pregnancy
That I pray to God all day long,
That my sober cousin called me with support,
That my house is clean- sort of
That I didn't have a nightmare last night,
That "my dark shadowy attacker" didn't break into my house last night,
That I'm going to a meeting tonight at 5:30
That my Dad and his new wife made it back safely from Italy,
That I finally made this decision to get sober****
That I have finally, officially told off coke,
That my life is in God's hands today.
Bless you all
11 comments:
Forgiving ourselves is a hard thing to do. It takes so much time.
Today is a sober day, to be who we are meant to be. It is the best choice for us. The only choice. Great post.
Good for you for telling the bastard off. Brutal honesty is what it takes to get through and you have what it takes. Keep posting and taking it one day at a time.
Yeah for YOU, getting to that meeting.
And very wise of you to take a look at what you have today despite all the addictions efforts to steal that from you.
What you had, what I had, I can have back at any time.
Keep chosing, just for today, eh?
*sending positive thoughts*
And speaking of gratitude--I'm grateful that you wandered into katherines and that our paths got to cross.
Krista...
What a powerful post that was! You vented, and it did it wonderfully.
You are so right in making your gratitude list. Gratitude lists are very important for me. I am also teaching my kids about it, when they are 'down'. You sound like a strong, level-headed woman.
One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, is the way to go for 12-step programs.
I'm not sure what 12 step you are in, but I'm thinking no matter which one it is, that venting is a very positive step to your recovery.
Keep posting, and thank you for your comments on my blog!
Eileen
Lots of power battling there.
Your son is already a blessing in such significant ways. You have so many things to be grateful for. I never want to forget who I cherish and all I have to be thankful for.
you have to do the steps of mourning... the loss of the addiction. when i heard this in rehab i thought they were crazy. but it works, and you've done one of them already.
the 'mourning process' is a tunnel, a dark and unpleasant tunnel, but you MUST go through it. there is no short cut, no way round, no easy way out, because if you do it the 'easy' way, you get stuck in that tunnel.
these are the steps, they may help you:
shock and denial: it's normal to feel confused, give yourself time to gain a new perspective on life
negotiating: you are building a shield to protect yourself against the pain, i.e. your husband leaves you, and you start negotiating for them to return to you. if you are successful the mourning process stops. if not, it continues to...
anger and fear: feel anger, don't do anger. don't allow your feelings to developing into negative behaviour (using / drinking)
depression - sorrow - no energy - isolating yourself: experience these feelings, feel them. without doing so, you get stuck in this process.
re-adjustment: learn to live with the loss, "learning to live without and joining what is left", fil the gap, re-invest your energy into what you have or what is left.
i wish you lotsa luck. you're doing great!
some much to be grateful for...
good luck Krista
17 years ago, I left cocaine behind.
And became a chronic alcoholic.
I still taste the anger, some days.
And it usually serves to remind me that there are no free passes into recovery and sobriety.
Thank you for sharing, Wine-O
Brilliantly written.
You captured the experience of doing coke perfectly and reminded me just how horrible it gets.
Well done :)
Beatiful. Clap clap clap. Standing O.
RIGHT ON GURL!!!!
I think expressing that anger is a great way to let it go! And being angry at the drug and not you is important to your recovery...good job! That is a perfect example of the insanity that the coke brings, and a good remember why you and me don't want to go back there.
Love you!
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