I think that one of the most unfortunate side effects of my drug use are the crazy fears that I am left with. The REAL, terrifying, irrational fears that impact my daily life. The- there's someone in my closet- fears that are so truly irrational, yet scare the living shit out me, causing me to walk through my house when I get home making sure that "he" isn't hiding somewhere ready to kill me and my son. Thank god I don't have a bigger house or it would be very time consuming. lol! The fact that I do live alone with my son, I guess makes me even more terrified because I have to protect him with everything I have.
There has never been an intruder, no one has ever broke into my house, I have never been attacked by anyone, so why do I live like this? Why every night, with every little sound I hear, do I imagine that it is an intruder in my house making those noises- keep in mind that I live in an apartment complex so other apartments are all around mine. Other people are living their lives in their home and their noises scare the hell out of me. Things have gotten so much better since I stopped the coke. Because it made me schizophrenic, I actually did hear crazy noises. At my mom's old house- which I think is haunted anyway, (I think every old home is haunted for that matter), I was terrified at night. I reminder one time, my wimpy ex was sleeping, I was all fucked up, standing at the top of her stairs and I heard someone walking around and breathing in the kitchen. I woke him up, bugging out, scared the shit out of him and made him go downstairs- of course there was no one there. One time, fucked up on coke, I had the phone in my hand ready to call the police because I heard someone in the house- that would have been great- I'd probably get arrested for drugs...
Really, I believe that a contributor is all the scary movies I have seen. The unsuspecting young women in the shower, the curtain gets ripped back by the killer and she's dead. How about the news- all these Primetime investigations featuring grisly murders. It is a fact that crazy rapists have broken into to women's homes in the dead of night to attack them. OK- but why am I expecting this every night?? And more so, why can people live in their homes, with no alarm systems, in the middle of nowhere and not live their life this way? Every door has to be locked, in fact I cannot sleep with my bedroom door open. I lock it then methodically check it again before I can get into bed. My son sleep in his crib?? In the other room?? Are you kidding me?? I actually battled with myself where to put his bassinet- near the window close to the intruder when he breaks the glass? or closer to the bedroom door where "he" could also break in. Well, he sleeps with me in bed- no need to make a challenging decision like that. I don't know what I'll do when he's two and has to sleep in his crib. Well by then, my jacked lover of boyfriend will be back and I WILL feel much safer- he's a crazy MF, the intruder would get destroyed.
Drugs did create this. But how can I combat my behavior? My therapist told me that I should create a plan of action. What would I do if someone broke into my house in the middle of the night? Well, I'd put my son in the bedroom bathroom and lock him in- I can pick the lock with a hanger. I'd call 911. Then I would retrieve the knife that I've hidden and wait crazily at the door ready to fight my ass off. Oh, I ain't some "I'm gonna hide" type of girl. I really think I'd kill the MF.
Still, it doesn't help the irrational behavior- the waiting for this like I want it to happen or something!! I must admit that since I stopped drinking, its gotten better. I've turned to God, given myself to him and prayed for this not to happen, but to give me the strength if it ever does. And anyway, why am I so afraid of death? Yeah, I'm sure it'll hurt to get killed, but if I have truly given myself to God, I will be paraded into heaven to experience the most amazing paradise beyond my comprehension. But, I'm not going anywhere without my son, so God, please watch over me tonight and release me of these terrible fears. I've given my life to you, and you will be pleased.
"I could [drink] my life away, but why?
I got things to do before I die,
There's gotta be something more,
There's gotta be more than this,
I need a little less hard times,
I need a little more bliss,
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might find what I'm looking for,
Some believe in destiny,
And some believe in fate,
I believe that happiness is something we create,
You best believe that I'm not going to wait,
There's gotta be something more"
-Sugarland
Today I am grateful for:
The fact that I've gone to the gym two days in a row- so sore
That I'm eating really healthy,
That I went to the dentist this morning after 3 yrs and still have not had a cavity
That my son is healthy and beautiful
That my mom's coming to visit
For all of you,
That I've been sober for 5 days
That I'm not going to drink today
That God is becoming my BFF
Have a peaceful night, ya'll
Krista- day 6
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12 comments:
You have a strong will in your heart! I can read that in your words!
I love that you share what you are grateful for and thank you for sharing with us!
I too, have a security plan set up and believe it or not the bathroom is my place too! I hope I never have to use it, but if I do its just nice to have a plan!
congratulations on being a mom as well, Our mamabear sides come out so instinctively, it would be so easy to become lethal when it comes to protecting our young!
Oh Krista, I feel for you! My drug of choice is alcohol, but I was into meth for about 4 yrs. Both of them leave you paranoid, but I think especially coke, & meth do. I was consumed by fear of everything in the end of my drinking/drugging. It was really hard to go to meetings cuz I was so scared of people. You just have to hang in there, & know that 'this too shall pass'. It takes a long time to heal. First, our body's heal, then our mental state heals, then our emotional, & last but not least, our spiritual. It's just the opposite as when we are destroying ourselves, with the spiritual going first, & our physical going last. Know that ;YOU ARE HEALING. God is with you, & you have AA, NA, whichever you go to, & the fellowship. Go to lots of meetings when you can, stay in touch by phone with the fellowship, & keep posting. Go to other blogs too. You will get thru this!
I wish you well, my prayers are with you.
Love, Sharon
One other thing. Don't quit before the miracle happens. That miracle is you staying clean, & sober, one day at a time. Somtimes one hr. one minute. Do what's in front of you. Good Luck!
Hey Krista, have ya met Sharon? She is one right on and very smart lady- yup! So here is my nickels' worth for your collection!!!
I think you are doing so great, the safety plan is awesome, and the fears will subside, I too remember the crazy making and paranoia when I first quit the coke. I used to sit on the floor UNDER the window of my back door, no lights on, the phone unplugged, just terrified of 'someone' being outside!
Today I still hafta sleep with a light on if I am alone in the house, but it helps me to feel safe, and THAT is a good place to be!
It absolutely will pass, I promise ,if you stay clean. I found self-talk to be very helpful too, heck, everyone thought I was crazy anyway so I didn't care so much about saying "you are OK" or "there is nothing to fear, God is watching over me"..and I wouldd say it OUT LOUD to myself. Yup, I AM a freak, and proud to be one! LOL
love ya gurl!
I can't speak to the fears or what in your life caused them. But I can speak to horror films...real or created being residual in your mind. When someone questions why I won't watch horror movies or graphic violence tv...I say, "I don't need that image in my mind"
And I can totally relate to your "Mother Bear protecting her cub" routine..we all got that. smile
I'm gonna put you on my list (not my shit list....my prayer list)
Lovin the sugarland song.. must download that! I made it to the dentist and alas - cracked freakin tooth = $800 CROWN. The GOOD news - I have insurance AND I HAVE TEETH TO CROWN! ha ha ha!! How's THAT for gratefulness tonight!.. Sleep well my friend :) and I promise you are not alone and you are safe. You are doing great - stay the course and keep coming back!
it will get better, it will get better, it will get better. If you stay sober, I PROMISE, it will get better.
((((((((((Krista))))))))))))))
*sending prayers and healing thoughts*
Sharon said it well.
You will heal. Staying clean and sober today gets you a day closer to having those fears dissipate. They'll lose power in your life--leastwise they did in mine. The more I worked the steps and involved myself in the process of getting different in my life, the less power they had.
A day at a time, eh?
And be kind to you.
Really, you're doing just fine.
And my gratitude at near one in the morning--I'm packed for our adventure which starts at five in the morning. FINALLY. LOL
Keep yourself safe and well, eh?
Wooooooooohooooooooo for day six!!
give yourself time and more time. and you got some great advice here, no need to add more. stay well, you'll get there.
paranoia is not fun, I can surely relate... I am still left with some strange lttle drug induced idiosyncracies after 11+ yrs of sobriety. However, paranoia is thankfully, not one of them. I hope this passes for you too...
my prayers
Be patient, Krista. Over time, you will gradually feel more peace and less anxiety.
Sometimes just saying your paranoid thoughts out loud can help because it helps you to see how unrealistic they sound out in the open.
Good luck!
you sure have many many blessings Krista
with fears, for me while it is good to have a plan of action should something happen I do ask for God's help with all the irrational fears
enjoy your Friday dear
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