Gettin ready

Well, today my moms flying in and we're headed a few hours away to see my grandparents. Then were coming back to my house for a night, then going to Manhattan to visit my brother, then were back here again. Then, she's leaving on Sunday.

Hopefully we get along well and enjoy our visit together. She hasn't seen my son in a few months so she's gonna be shocked how big he is. I'm also kinda forced to not smoke during my trip to my grandmothers, so I bought the patch yesterday to help me get through the next few days without a smoke. It was so expensive- $54! But I guess its less expensive than buying cigarettes for the rest of my life. I can smoke in front of my mom but it just looks bad with me always stepping outside. So, I'm gonna put on the patch and get a handle on this dirty addiction I have. I really need to quit anyway, so wish me luck. If I don't blog in the next few days, its because I'm out of town and also don't want to pull it up in front of my mom or she'll stalk me for sure- and that can't happen. She can never know what this blog is called, I pray she doesn't snoop on my computer- she better not. Talk to you all soon.

I got tagged

Ok Inmates Wife, you tagged me so I think that means that I have to disclose 8 random things about me...

I totally grind my teeth all night, every night,
I love eating fast food and not going to the gym,
I recently decided that I don't believe Jesus is God's son after years of blind faith (and reading DaVinci Code),
I threw someone out of my house after arguing about George Bush- I hate him,
I am whitening my teeth one Crest strip at a time- years of red wine, coffee, blunts and cigerettes have left their mark,
I love girls and lap dances, lol!!,
I love porn,
I sleep nude...

I really tried to be positive and motherly like Inmates wife did, but I can't help my sick mind!!

So here's another little thing going around.....

Would you eat a bug? For a good chunk of money, yes

Would you bungee jump? No, too afraid of heights

Would you hang glide? ditto

Would you kill someone? NO!

Would you kiss someone of the same sex? Oh yes, have many times lol

Would you parachute from a plane? YOU THINK I’M CRAZY? NO

Would you walk on hot coals? I heard it doesn’t hurt, so maybe

Would you be a vegetarian? I like my steak rare

Would you instant message a stranger? No

Would you sing karaoke? I have when wasted- no shame

Would you run a red light? No, too afraid of cops

Would you shoplift? GUILTY, years ago though

Would you dye your hair blue? If it was only temporary

Would you be on survivor? I think I would, I have some baby weight to lose

Would you wear make-up in public? UMM, yea?

Would you not wear make-up in public? Of course

Would you cheat on a test? Guilty but I never got caught

Would you make someone cry? Not intentionally

Would you date someone more than 10 years older than you? For sure!!

Would you take part in silly surveys? Of course.


Soo, this weekend was good, no drinking and lots of cleaning. My mother and her extreme organization is coming on Wed till Sunday. So, I am douching my whole house and will pretend that I actually live that way! I just don't want to talk about bills, money, or cleaning out my closets...I'm actually afraid to leave her at my house to run an errand or something, cuz I think she might rummage through my drawers and stumble upon some XXX rated items!! And I have to erase my XXX favorites from my DVR, heaven forbid she thinks I have hormones. If my man wasn't in jail, I wouldn't be so XXX... I'm actually losing my sex drive all together, its been so long, and after having a baby!! UGH!! Anyway, I'll stop disgusting all of you with my sex talk. Stalk ya later.

A BITCH OF A FRIEND

Well, well, well...I made it two weeks. There was definitely challenging days and a fight against temptation but I haven't given in, and I haven't been going to hardly any meetings. I just don't want to bring my son. He is learning his voice and squeals all day. If someone was trying to share, it really would be distracting. But sometimes when we are in public places he is very quiet and just likes to look around, so I guess I have no idea how he'll act. I suppose I could just leave but that would frustrate me. Maybe I should just look into a babysitter, but the feeling of leaving him with a complete stranger is unsettling. Well, my Dad and his wife are moving home this weekend and have told me they would watch my son whenever, so I need to abuse that offer and take them up on it as much as I can. I blogging, snooping and reading the Big Book so that's been helping me along- I have made it two weeks for fux sake!!

So, last night my Dad took me out to dinner, at my ex friends place of employment. Me and this girl have been friends since 7th grade. We smoked blunts daily, drank together, partied together, ripped lines together, shopped together, shoplifted together, talked everyday, talked shit about everyone everyday (her favorite thing to do) and became good friends. At my age, she has been pregnant four times, two abortions, two kids- she's now married to the father of the last two. She hates him, he hates her. Out of anyone I know she is the bitchiest, has severe anxiety, she uses people, she lies to people, she is a current cokehead, pothead and drinker. Christ, the only thing she has in her fridge in a big bottle of wine, no milk or juice for her kids!! She spends her money on weed, clothes and makeup while denying her children's needs- all the expenses are left up to her husband, and he doesn't make that much, so they have creditors calling daily. At this point she doesn't even answer her house phone, and wouldn't think of saving her waitressing money to help pay a bill or get something for her kids. And she abuses her kids physically, verbally and emotionally. She neglects them, in fact resents them. She puts on a facade, in her new outfit, pretending to like her kids, pretending her marriage isn't in a fuckin ditch, pretending she's not a drug addict...

So why was I even friends with her??? I guess I felt bad, she needed help, and before my pregnancy we hung out alot. I was a very nice friend. I would swing by her house during the day cause I knew she was alone, I'd help her do and fold laundry, or play with her kids, or just chat. There's two sides of her, a fun loving side and a bitch from hell side, which I hardly ever saw cuz I was her closest friend...LONG STORY KINDA SHORT...

Her husband is a manager at a restaurant and is often gone till 2am some nights. So she would just invite herself over to my house with her kids- one of the 5 calls I received from her everyday. She would call me with nothing to say and if I didn't answer, she would call me over and over- like I can't see the missed calls on my cell!! So one night she came over, I had wine of course, and she let her kids just tear up my fucking house. Her daughter is wonderful, the sweetheart gets called stupid everyday by her bitch of a mom and still is a doll. She told me several times she wished I was her mother and loved me more- so sad. Her son, on the other hand, is nuts. Totally undisciplined, wild, doesn't listen, is a fucking terror. Yes, he's only 1 1/2, its not his fault. The screaming, neglect and lack of structure is his life has created these behaviors. That night, my son was 5 weeks old, baby daddy fresh in jail and all I wanted is to avoid her anxiety like the plague. But she shows up on my doorstep- "we just wanna stop by quick and see the baby!!" So her son runs to my home phone, picks it up and starts pressing every button, "No, no Jayden, don't play with my phone" I was expecting a call from my boyfriend..."He can play with your phone if he wants, he won't break it"- what bitch? If I ask your son not to play with my phone, that is my decision- its my house!

So he's over at my laptop, slamming the keys, trying to rip my IPOD from its player. I said, Karen (the bitch), "get him out of there!!". She said, "Well, maybe you shouldn't leave this shit laying around, you should childproof your house now that you're a mom" BITCH--"My son is five weeks old!!". So, I drag a chair over and try to block him. It barely works. Then he's going through my garbage, then he trying to pull cords out of my TV, then he touching all my sons new toys with his filthy hands, then he puts my sons binkie in his mouth, then he takes his shitty diaper off and sits on my couch, then he throws his food all over my kitchen floor and walls while his mom is hitting a joint in my back bathroom- who gives their kid a huge bowl of spaghetti at his age and doesn't try to feed him or at least supervise him. He ran his goopy spaghetti fingers all over my glass table which she didn't clean up or even notice. He's trying to climb into my sons bassinet with him which the bitch thinks is fine- NO ITS NOT- HES GONNA SMACK OR LAY ON MY BABY!!!!. I'm at the breaking point now and just end the night and tell her I'm going to bed.

So the next morning, I wake up to discover that a $45 gold frame is smashed behind where my laptop was- shocker. Then I go to pick up my phone, no dial tone, I have no Internet, my modem was pulled from the socket and everthing was dead. I plug it back in and try to get online, no Internet. I realize that my cord leading to my modem was RIPPED out of the back of my computer- the gold bars so fucked up that it will not fit back into its opening in my laptop. So the bitches son ruined my laptop because he was completely unsupervised. I'M PISSED, MY DADS PISSED. HE HAS JUST BOUGHT THAT FOR ME.

So I text her and tell her thanks alot for breaking my fucking laptop. She came back at me with fury like I have never seen, defending her son, telling me I need to learn what it means to be a mom, and not even remotely apologetic or sorry for the way she did not watch her son while in my home. If my son accidentally broke someones laptop, I was apologize from the bottom of my heart and take responsibility. Oh, not Karen. We were sending hate texts all day and I told her I wanted nothing to do with her from then on, I had enough on my plate.
So we didn't speak for two months. She called me about a month ago and said she though it was stupid that we weren't talking and she wanted to stop feuding. I wanted nothing to do with her, my life was more peaceful without her daily rantings and I didn't miss her. I again reiterated why I stopped speaking to her and like nothing had changed she started defending herself and getting nasty. That's all I needed to hear. She was still the same, except she got a new DWI. We had a quick talk, she called me a week later to go to the park and I made up an excuse that I couldn't.

Its been weeks again since I've talked to her and I like it that way.
But in the Big Book, they say how necessary it is to make amends with those relationships that create stressful feelings for you. I feel that we already attempted amends, but she just felt like being a huge bitch. Is it okay to just cut her loose? Do I have to call her and just try to put things at a peaceful place so we can move on with our lives? -and not be friends? When I walked in her restaurant last night, I had a pit in my stomach. THANK GOD SHE WASN'T WORKING. I guess, I just wanted to vent about this long term friendship gone bad. I never even think to call her, don't miss her, but I miss our old friendship before she turned into a crazy person. I guess, I'll just pray that she gets help and maybe if she can change, things between us can as well. Even though the BB tells me to address these faulty relationships once and for all, I don't think that would solve anything. Well, my arm hurts from typing- any advice would be appreciated. Love ya all.

The Storm

Thanks Sharon for the idea. I read your drunk poems and realized that I have one that I would like to share. I was in Florida visiting my Mom, she was totally driving me crazy and I needed an escape. I was also dealing with the fact that my boyfriend just recently went to jail and I missed him ridiculously. I was also drinking non-stop. I poured a shit load of vodka into a huge water bottle and put it in my suitcase. It was gone in 3 days so I had to go buy more. Vodka was easy cause I could put it in a normal drink and "no one" would know, until my mother asked me if I was drunk which I vehemently denied! Anyway, I wanted to go to the beach to drink and chain smoke and I wrote this poem as a huge storm drew near- its basically to my boyfriend....

THE STORM.

"Even among family, I feel alone,
I miss the ocean, the sand, the huge sky..
As I drive to the beach, the dark clouds follow,
Tempting me with rain and thunder,
I am not afraid of the storm,
I hope it rains, it will soak my clothes,
And the saltwater will wash away my tears,
When I arrive, the black clouds are laughing,
Ready to pour and soak the earth,
I walk to the sand and the most beautiful picture unfolds,
Turquoise water, crystal white sands, black skies,
I am not the only one who is ready for a storm,
Others wander to the waters edge, unafraid,
I sit down a lone bench and sip my drink,
Listening to the most perfect music, sad and slow,
The lyrics moaning my deepest thoughts,
My toes push into the soft sand,
It falls through my feet like water,
The sky darkens,
The white seagulls coast through the air,
They sense a storm is coming,
They fly and follow each other through the air,
The waves are small, green waters, white foam, black skies,
A tornado of rain falls on the horizon,
The warm wind blows my hair as I pull out my ponytail,
I close my eyes and feel the ocean air,
The music is perfect, it sets the scene,
I am alone and wouldn't want it any other way,
I sit in silence for awhile,
Taking in the grand view,
God in his purest form, the ocean and the sky,
After awhile, I walk to the water daring the storm,
Others are there but I don't see them,
It's me and you,
I reach the ocean waves,
I let them wash over my sandy feet,
The sky is black, the wind is whistling,
The bottoms of my pants are wet,
The water is cool and clear,
For minutes I stand calm, feet wet, deep mind,
My little pink heart is on your little brown raft floating out to sea,
The sadness inside slows my movements,
I am in no hurry,
I am alone with my thoughts,
I take in the beauty and cannot wait until we can share this together,
I slowly venture back through the sand,
My clothes are wet and so are my eyes,
The falling tears releases some sadness from my soul,
I haven't cried in awhile,
It's perfectly okay, no one knows me,
The black clouds are moving on,
Still in the distance, rain pours,
I think only of you,
I miss you with everything that I have,
As the storm blows by, my tears slowly stop and I take deep breaths,
What an amazing moment I had by myself,
I've never sat at a beach with black skies,
It's a sight like you wouldn't believe,
So big, so fierce, so dangerous,
So unbelievably beautiful,
No rain, just the threat of the heaviest shower you could imagine,
Bring it on, I can handle anything,
It felt good to get out,
To be alone with my darkest sadness,
I save my smiles for my son.
God will carry us through the storms,
After the drive home, my son is there,
With big eyes and a goofy smile,
The sadness is forgotten,
Dinner is ready,
The storm has passed......."

Ani DiFranco

I thought I would compile some lyrics of Ani's that seem to apply to my current situation. Her music is so powerful and I wanted to share some of her words with you. You gotta hear her music if you havent, it rocks.

"I search your profile, for a translation,
I study the conversation like a map,
Cause I know there is strength in the differences between us,
I know there is comfort where we overlap,
Each one of us wants a piece of the action,
You can hear it in what we say,
You can see it in what we do,
We negotiate with chaos for some sense of saitisfaction...
I build each one of my [blogs] out of glass,
So can see me inside them, I suppose,
Or you could just leave the image of me in the background,
and watch your own reflection superimpose,
I build each one of my days out of hope,
And I give that hope your name,
I don't know you that well but it don't take much to tell,
Either you don't have the balls or you don't feel the same,
Who are you now?
Who were you then,
That you thought somehow you could just pretend,
That you could figure it all out,
How many times undone can one person be,
You just close your eyes slowly like you're waiting for a kiss,
And hope some lowly little power will pull you out of this,
To all the people out there tonight who are comforting themselves,
If you should happen to see my light,
You can stop and ring my bell,
I'm just sitting here,
Taking one breath at a time...."

Today is another day, I'm doing ok, hangin in there for sure. I try to keep my days busy so I don't go crazy. Well, I love you all for your responses, you all help me so much- thank you. I hope everyone gets through today and can relax tonight. Take care!

Intervention

"Days like this....I don't know what to do with myself....all day.....and all night".
-Fiona Apple

I'm sure most of you have seen or heard about this A&E Documentary Special about addiction and recovery. I DVR it every week and it fascinates me. If you haven't seen it or have missed some episodes, check out www.aetv.com/intervention/. I think a main component of these episodes focuses on not only the addiction itself, but the complete effect it had on those who love that person. Its incredible that when a person has an addiction, they don't care about anything else. They're in denial, they lie about it, they avoid their loved ones, and they will risk everything to continue their behavior. And most of them are desperate to change, but can't.

"How can we comprehend the concept of a person that wants to stop doing something, and they cannot, despite catastrophic consequences...and yet they cannot control their behavior".
-HBO Documentary Series, ADDICTION.

In my case, although an intervention was certainly discussed by my family members, it was never carried out. And I needed one. But isn't it funny, that the selfish person that the addict is, seems to always explode on their family members at some sort of intervention. They get so angry, they feel betrayed, they attempt to run from it, and it is so typical to again attack those who are trying to help you when it comes to your addiction. We are too afraid to think of changing our behavior, in fact we don't think its possible. We are afraid, very afraid. Its so easy for somebody else to tell you too stop drinking or using- they don't have the illness. In ways, they don't understand.

My son was divine intervention. However, it could not stop me from starting the behavior again after his birth. So here I am. 10 days sober, didn't have any more money to continue drinking, and was emotionally at a bottom. I felt so useless, unmotivated, helpless, a total loser, an alcoholic. But my financial situation forced me to consider not drinking. Then I found Lushgirls blog, and something inside of me got strong- something clicked. I cried as I drove to Borders to get the Big Book, scared shitless at the thought of stopping, and took it day by day. I'm shocked I've been able to not drink for 10 days, considering I wanted to drink over the weekend- god, cravings suck. But I went to a women's meeting last night. They were so nice, I could have stayed there for hours. At the meeting I met a woman who was at a meeting for the first time and one day sober. I gave her my blog to check out since snooping on all of you really got me through those first couple of days. And writing down my feelings, and receiving your wonderful responses is such a emotional boost and gets me through the day. Today I feel better and now realize that this isn't going to be easy. In fact at the meeting last night, I was a little dismayed because women that were 18 years sober seemed to still have to live day to day, struggling. Does it ever get easier, will the urges ever go away? God, I pray that it does.

Today, I am grateful for:

My son,
My family,
A good nights sleep with no fear,
Having hardly any nightmares since I stopped drinking,
That I have had cash my purse for 10 days and haven't spent it on booze,
That I cleaned my rims this morning,
That I am going to visit my boyfriend tomorrow,
That I won't drink on the way there,
That I won't drink today,
That I am managing to fight off my urges to use,
That my life is in Gods hands.

WTF

What the F*ck! I really wanted a drink tonight. My Dad and his new wife were coming over and taking me out to dinner. All of a sudden, I kinda got some anxiety- I couldn't figure out why! I think it was a combination of the fact that my house needed to be spotless, the baby was very needy of my attention, I had to run out and get them a card, I did my hair curly and it kinda looked like shit, and we were going out to eat- my favorite thing to do. And generally an occasion where I enjoyed a glass of wine- or two... So they came over, it was great to see them and they were so excited to show me the pictures they took in Italy on their honeymoon.

They did tons of wine tastings in these beautiful wine cellars and ate amazing lunches at these gorgeous cafe's in Rome. In every F-ing picture, they were drinking the most amazing wine and eating the most divine food. SOOO Jealous. SOOOO jealous they can drink all they want- and they drink too much. SOOO Jealous that they don't feel the need to quit. They totally support me in my decision to get sober, we had sparking water at dinner, no drinks, so I appreciate that. But they are probably opening a wonderful bottle of red as I write. AHHHH!! UGH!!!!!

I really wanted wine and played with the idea that I could go get a bottle, but I didn't. I feel a little bit better now that I am in for the night. I guess I am too proud of my 8 days, I don't want to fuck it up. Plus you'll all think I'm a sober poser. But I'm not. DAMNIT, though, I keep thinking about the future and wanting to enjoy wine in a normal fashion, but that's not possible right now. I could drink two bottles tonight if I wanted to. I had the opportunity to drink with responsibility and I obviously was unable to so, DEAL WITH REALITY KRISTA!! Get the baby to bed, get a good nights sleep and stop obsessing over wine. I didn't name this blog WINE-O for nothing! Well, I managed to get through my first real craving, but its wasn't fun. Tomorrow is another day, thank God.

Pics

It's magic!!

Today is a good day- 80 degrees, not a cloud in the sky, already went to the gym- (3 days in a row, I cannot believe it). I killed my arms yesterday and I am so sore to the point where I can barely lift my son.

Well, I've come to the conclusion that I have a magical blog. Over the past three days of writing, and 4 previous days of snooping, I'm in a really good place. 7 days sober today and feeling really good. These blogs, I'm serious, have helped me float through my first week of sobriety- and other than my pregnancy, I haven't been sober for 14 years. First, I vented about coke- the fuckin bastard. Since I vented by writing my anger down, I have experienced closure in a sense and I am less anxious when the thought of that drug crosses my mind- it ALM0ST completely destroyed my life.

Secondly, I bitched about my crazy fears yesterday- thanks for all your responses- you are all so sweet, understanding and helpful with your advice. So, magically, I had no fear last night. I even forgot to bring my cordless phone into my bedroom, ready to call 911 when my intruder breaks in. Guess what? He didn't break in last night. I prayed before bed, and went to sleep next to my baby.

He's so cute, he makes these little moaning sounds when he falls asleep. I gave him a bottle at 5am, then he passed back out until 9am- love it. But I was up at 5, feeling peaceful and I just stared at him. He has grown so much. He looks just like his father and because his dad isn't here, its so nice to look at his son. He even lets me snuggle with him and I put my head lightly on his shoulder- he seems to like it. He also makes the cutest noises- hardly ever cries. He just has what I call, anxiety attacks- it runs in the family...lol. When he has his little fits when I am doing something and can't pick him up, he literally says "mama". I know he's too young to talk, but he calls after me saying "mama" daily. He even did it in the dentist office yesterday and the nurse was like- oh my god he just said mama!! He learned to roll over and is trying to crawl. I want him to crawl but then I'm gonna have to freaking chase him around the house- ahhh!

Well, as I said. I have a magical blog. When I write things down, I feel physical relieve and closure. And again, your comments mean the world to me. I am so proud of myself that I made it one week today. It would have been so hard without all of you. Well, I can't wait to tell my Dad about my decision to get sober for good. He is a functioning alcoholic, a total cutie, just divorced my mom (best thing ever), and its so funny because within a year and a half, they are both remarried. My Mom chose a very nice older man, whose a doll. My Dad just married a 32 year old Hungarian sex pot- GO POPS! I love her to death, she's the best. My old boyfriend was the same age as her- so funny. Coolest step mom ever. Big drinker, but very lovely. Her and my Dad are really perfect for each other.

Well, I can't wait until my Dad and his hot ass wife move 15 minutes from me at the end of the month. I will have a permanent babysitter and can go to as many meetings as I can- I really want to go to the meetings- I want that support. But I have all you so thanks again! (Inmates wife told me to stop thanking her, so thanks again, girl!)

Have a nice night, everyone.

Krista- day 7 and I ain't drinkin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pics

The Boogeyman

I think that one of the most unfortunate side effects of my drug use are the crazy fears that I am left with. The REAL, terrifying, irrational fears that impact my daily life. The- there's someone in my closet- fears that are so truly irrational, yet scare the living shit out me, causing me to walk through my house when I get home making sure that "he" isn't hiding somewhere ready to kill me and my son. Thank god I don't have a bigger house or it would be very time consuming. lol! The fact that I do live alone with my son, I guess makes me even more terrified because I have to protect him with everything I have.

There has never been an intruder, no one has ever broke into my house, I have never been attacked by anyone, so why do I live like this? Why every night, with every little sound I hear, do I imagine that it is an intruder in my house making those noises- keep in mind that I live in an apartment complex so other apartments are all around mine. Other people are living their lives in their home and their noises scare the hell out of me. Things have gotten so much better since I stopped the coke. Because it made me schizophrenic, I actually did hear crazy noises. At my mom's old house- which I think is haunted anyway, (I think every old home is haunted for that matter), I was terrified at night. I reminder one time, my wimpy ex was sleeping, I was all fucked up, standing at the top of her stairs and I heard someone walking around and breathing in the kitchen. I woke him up, bugging out, scared the shit out of him and made him go downstairs- of course there was no one there. One time, fucked up on coke, I had the phone in my hand ready to call the police because I heard someone in the house- that would have been great- I'd probably get arrested for drugs...

Really, I believe that a contributor is all the scary movies I have seen. The unsuspecting young women in the shower, the curtain gets ripped back by the killer and she's dead. How about the news- all these Primetime investigations featuring grisly murders. It is a fact that crazy rapists have broken into to women's homes in the dead of night to attack them. OK- but why am I expecting this every night?? And more so, why can people live in their homes, with no alarm systems, in the middle of nowhere and not live their life this way? Every door has to be locked, in fact I cannot sleep with my bedroom door open. I lock it then methodically check it again before I can get into bed. My son sleep in his crib?? In the other room?? Are you kidding me?? I actually battled with myself where to put his bassinet- near the window close to the intruder when he breaks the glass? or closer to the bedroom door where "he" could also break in. Well, he sleeps with me in bed- no need to make a challenging decision like that. I don't know what I'll do when he's two and has to sleep in his crib. Well by then, my jacked lover of boyfriend will be back and I WILL feel much safer- he's a crazy MF, the intruder would get destroyed.

Drugs did create this. But how can I combat my behavior? My therapist told me that I should create a plan of action. What would I do if someone broke into my house in the middle of the night? Well, I'd put my son in the bedroom bathroom and lock him in- I can pick the lock with a hanger. I'd call 911. Then I would retrieve the knife that I've hidden and wait crazily at the door ready to fight my ass off. Oh, I ain't some "I'm gonna hide" type of girl. I really think I'd kill the MF.

Still, it doesn't help the irrational behavior- the waiting for this like I want it to happen or something!! I must admit that since I stopped drinking, its gotten better. I've turned to God, given myself to him and prayed for this not to happen, but to give me the strength if it ever does. And anyway, why am I so afraid of death? Yeah, I'm sure it'll hurt to get killed, but if I have truly given myself to God, I will be paraded into heaven to experience the most amazing paradise beyond my comprehension. But, I'm not going anywhere without my son, so God, please watch over me tonight and release me of these terrible fears. I've given my life to you, and you will be pleased.


"I could [drink] my life away, but why?
I got things to do before I die,
There's gotta be something more,
There's gotta be more than this,
I need a little less hard times,
I need a little more bliss,
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might find what I'm looking for,
Some believe in destiny,
And some believe in fate,
I believe that happiness is something we create,
You best believe that I'm not going to wait,
There's gotta be something more"
-Sugarland

Today I am grateful for:
The fact that I've gone to the gym two days in a row- so sore
That I'm eating really healthy,
That I went to the dentist this morning after 3 yrs and still have not had a cavity
That my son is healthy and beautiful
That my mom's coming to visit
For all of you,
That I've been sober for 5 days
That I'm not going to drink today
That God is becoming my BFF

Have a peaceful night, ya'll
Krista- day 6

Coke

I have a lot of anger towards this shit and even though I haven't touched it in 15 months, it still haunts me and gives me anxiety. I need to vent and tell this shit off, once and for all- (I might swear)

Coke- you fuckin disgusting toxic poisonous powder. You ruined four years of my life. You fucked up my brain and changed me forever. Puking, heart racing, sweating, pacing, just one more- make it a big one, hair goes up, pj's on, makeup smearing, heart pounding, can't sit still- even if you paid me, one more gagger, need a cigarette, chain smoking, another one, talking my ass off, can't speak at all, I hear something..the cops?? I see the lights out the window, have to look, cannot get away from the window, ready for the pigs to bust down the door, why doesn't anyone else seem to be worried, can't we clean this shit up or hide it or something, chain smoking, ripping lines, not answering my phone- why won't he stop calling, I'll be home when I'm home damnit- I'm leaving in 30 minutes, I swear- just one more, way to afraid to leave and drive, pounding water- I can't even drink alcohol- what the fuck! Total sketchball, total skitso, I hear someone outside the door, its dark out, I race from the car to the front door because some dark crazy person is hiding behind the bushes ready to jump out and attack me- hurry up and unlock the door, I'm bugging out- finally inside, dump it out- light a cig, heart maxed out, mouth dry and numb, just one more- here's my last dollar, I swear I'll pay you tomorrow, I'm getting my paycheck. Do you have any green?? Can I bum a butt?-lets go get some cigs- can't drive, the cops will get me- can't speak- no fun, staring out every window, do you have any visine? Do you have any lipgloss? God damn my neck hurts, I need my back cracked so bad, will someone give me a massage?- do another and another- fuck i'm out- I need more.

Fuck this shit- I hate what you did to me and why no one else seemed to be feeling the same way- much more calm, enjoying themselves, chillin... Thank god for my pregnancy or I would have had to be admitted for sure. Never again will you ever make me feel so horrible. I don't know why anyone even likes you! You make everyone feel like shit- and you're WAY to expensive. Thank God above for my pregnancy, I'll never touch you or look at you or be around you again- and I pray for those whose lives your ruin. Thanks for taking all my fuckin money and making me act crazy. I don't how I didn't OD, but thank GOD.

My hearts racing as I write these words- I'm so pissed at this shit and how it ruined four years of my life. Now I am left with irrational fears and night terrors, thanks a lot. Its been 15 months and I still am so angry. Well, as each day goes by, I hope I will be able to forgive the crazy person that I was and realize that I never have to feel that way again. And I'm not drinking either. Not today, not tomorrow. I pray for all those who have fought this battle and I pray that you will not let this shit haunt you anymore.

Today I am grateful for:

My beautiful son sleeping next to me right now,
The support thus far from my family,
This wonderful sober blog community,
That today is another sober day,
That I have lost 2 pounds in 5 days- gained 65 in pregnancy
That I pray to God all day long,
That my sober cousin called me with support,
That my house is clean- sort of
That I didn't have a nightmare last night,
That "my dark shadowy attacker" didn't break into my house last night,
That I'm going to a meeting tonight at 5:30
That my Dad and his new wife made it back safely from Italy,
That I finally made this decision to get sober****
That I have finally, officially told off coke,
That my life is in God's hands today.

Bless you all

Battle at Kruger

I know a lot of people know about this but when I actually watched it in full, I had goosebumps. Cannot beleive this was caught on tape. As a mother, I would do the same for my son- crazy stuff.

Alcoholics anonymous

I'm stickin to the program

Pics

Pics

Pics

First post ever- 4 days clean

Hello. I guess I wanted to conquer my computer illiteracy and start a recovery blog of my own. Its kinda distracting with my five month old little angel of a son making a shit load of noise in the background but my life has been more complicated than this! I guess I have a fear that no one will read it but that's totally not the point. I need to write my thoughts down as I venture into recovery. Its so nerveracking to admit that I am an alcoholic and drug addict but I am and I finally need to chAAnge. I've felt kinda nosy reading all your blogs but they have been sooo helpful getting me started and keeping me four days clean- since I have been unable to get to a meeting cuz I don't have a babysitter!! But my prospects are just out of town and will be back next week.

I must say that Lushgirls blog was the first one I read and her quotation at the top of her page really hit home and I ran out and bought the Big Book.

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self seeking will slip away.Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not.They are being fulfilled among us- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them".- - -AA- Lushgirl

I have never felt so confident in my recovery and it makes such perfect sense to my crazy brain. Its been a CRAZY 13 years and I truly cannot believe that I made it out alive. I could have totally died a million times. It still baffles me how I managed to stop using during my pregnancy- thank the lord for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I can't freakin wait to get to a meeting and start creating the awesome blogs like all yours that have inspired me so- not to mention the emails you have sent to me. The thought that strangers are reaching out to me in the nicest way is just so wonderful. God, I love the sound of my son anxiety attacks when I can't hold him. He is sooo spoiled- I'm in trouble.
I really hope to get to know all of you better as my sobriety days go on. All I know is that I'm not going to drink today.

To my dad and son, A song by Sara Evans:
"You'll Always Be My Baby"

There I was ten years old
Waiting in my room for him to come home
I just knew he'd be so mad
Though I begged my mother not to, she told my dad.
There was no denying I let him down
But instead of being angry
He put his arms around me and said

In the sunlight or the rain, brightest nights or darkest days
I'll always feel the same way
Whatever road you may be on
Know you're never too far gone my love is there wherever you may be
Just remember that you will always be my baby.

There I was twenty one
Oh I was so ashamed of what I'd done
On a country road
Parked one night
What started out so innocent
Crossed the line
There was no denying
I let God down
But instead of being angry
He let his love surround me and I heard

In the sunlight or the rain, brightest nights or darkest days
I'll always feel the same way
Whatever road you may be on
Know you're never too far gone
My love is there wherever you may be
Just remember that you will always be my baby yeah yeah.

There he is my little man
I'm sure he'll get in trouble every now and then
And I pray to god that when he does
I'll be just as understanding as my father was
'cause the last thing that I want to do is let him down
So instead of being angry
I'm gonna throw my arms around him and I'll say

In the sunlight or the rain, brightest nights or darkest days
I'll always feel the same way whatever road you may be on
No you're never too far gone
My love is there wherever you may be
Just remember that you will always be my baby be my baby