AHHHH, I made it. 5 days with my mother and we didn't kill each other. And believe it or not, I put that nicotine patch on, and didn't even want a smoke, so weird. Well, once during the trip I stubbed my toe really hard and was about to put my hand through a wall or run to the store for a pack, but the anxiety passed and I didn't smoke. But....I'll be honest here. We got to Manhattan, my dad has a sick two bedroom corporate apartment that he shares with some lawyers and we can use if we reserve it ahead of time. So my mom was parking the car in a garage and the doorman helped me up to the apartment with all of our shit. I was thirsty so I went to the fridge to get a drink, its always stocked....I mean ALWAYS stocked with beer, liquor and wine, fine cheeses, pates, fresh breakfast items, did I mention booze? I saw that there were about 5 bottles of opened white wines. Something took over me, I had five minutes before my mom got back, we were going out to dinner and I couldn't drink, and the wine was pricey shit. I picked up a bottle and pounded about half of it in one sip, no glass needed- I was in a hurry. It tasted great, it had been so long since I drank, and it just energized me in a way like a kid stealing a cookie before dinner. No one knows, no harm done...it was only about 1 1/2 glasses. I didn't get buzzed and I didn't drink for the rest of the trip. And I am telling you, that fridge and LIQUOR CABINET was killing me. I just wanted to drink the whole time I was around all of that shit. So I fucked up my 3 weeks of sobriety- not my much, just a big sip. So, I could have lied to you all and maintained my days of not drinking, but God is always watching. I am proud though that I didn't raid the fridge while my mom was in the shower. I was too afraid of getting caught. I told my brother and my mom that its was okay if they had a glass at dinner- they had two. But I felt empowered that I had my big sip, so it wasn't as difficult to get through dinner. The check for the three of us was $500!! My 24 year old brother is a commercial real estate agent and made $150,000 last week so he took us out to splurge. I told him, "WHERE IS MY FUCKING CHECK!!!???". But I don't want to rain on his parade or his success or his hard work so I just sat there is amazement as he told us he has made $270,000 so far this year- HE'S 24!!!! I'm broke and everyone else is my family is loaded. FUN. But if I want to spend $50,000 on coke, that's my business and my devestated financial future. So, I'm back and now have to go visit my baby daddy tomorrow. I love him, miss him and want to see him, but its 8 hours of driving for me and I'm tired. But I'm going anyway, its worth it. So I'll stalk to all soon, and gotta start counting my days over.
13 comments:
Krista
Why are you trying to quit smoking and booze at the same time?
Hope today finds you in a better place
thinking of and praying for you
Oh, don't start counting over...it was only a small slip, you didn't get drunk and no harm done. Good for you!!! I think the whole starting over every single little slip can be self-defeating as per Ej's most recent post...
Good luck!
Krista,
I think your best bet is to handle one addiction at a time. Ok, so you have to start counting the days again but you are doing great. Thank you for the email. It had helped me alot. I really appreciate your insight. It has helped me alot. You will certainly be in my thoughts and I will be i touch.
My drinking increased dramatically when I quit smoking a few years back. Now that I have quit drinking, I must admit the urge to smoke has come back. Its my addictive personality or my desire to occupy myself with something other than what's in front of me I suppose. Anyway, I'd suggest holding off on quiting smoking until you've got a bit of sobriety under your belt.
Today counts.
And what you do today, matters.
I very much appreciate your honesty here. That's the first principle and I had to have beat into me over and over again.
Just tell the TRUTH, Mel. *sigh*
Oh no.....I'd lie to the rest of the world AND to myself. That kept me stuck for a very long time.
Keep telling the truth.
Honesty will work in your favor, and even if it sucks to tell on yourself, tell on yourself anyway.
One foot in front of the other--a day at a time....easy does it, eh?
hey! welcome back! and i gotta echo everyone, giving up drinking and smoking is TOOOOOO much. although i know your smoking was just temporary cause of the family. but still!!! when hubby starts with his 'maybe we should stop smoking' nonsense, i tell him straight out 'gotta have at least one vice'....
anyway, don't be too hard on yourself. one big sip and not again! good for you. stay that way! and enjoy your visit with your baby's daddy!!!
hey welcome back. don't beat yourself up about that one sip. today is a new day and that's all we can control. Hindsight! take care and enjoy your trip.
Nice to see you posting again Krista. I'm glad you managed to get on with your mum. I would not advise taking on too much at once. Giving up Drink and fags together is pretty much a guaranteed fail.
Its the polar opposite of "easy does it."
Its a cinch an inch but its hard by the yard.
As for hanging around open bottles of wine. "If you hang around the barber-shop long enough, sooner or later you're bound to get a haircut! ...
There's a good section called Keep Away from Drinking Places on:
http://www.miseryisoptional.info/getting_started.html#drinking_places
Unfortunately, the chances of you staying sober are very, very slim, if you continue to go to slippery places. Or 'wet' places, as they are called. This is a SHORT term measure, until steps 1-9 RESTORE your intermittent SELECTIVE AMNESIA (that the big book describes as "an alcoholic mind" p41, 42, 101) that currently prevents you from maintaining awareness of the "The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer" (p24) or "the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago." (p24)
Until you complete step 9 you cannot rely on your thinking to overcome the selective amnesia that tells you " this time we shall handle ourselves like other people."(p24)
"There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.."(p24)
"Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."
So until steps 1-9 have put paid to your selective amnesia, you have very little choice but to stay away from wet places.
Keep coming back!
Krista: The wine cravings eased up for me after 30 days.. Today is a new day girlfriend
Your honesty to yourself is the most important thing. Keep on keeping on.
~kel
Hang in there girl! Don't beat yourself up over this. You are back on track, and that is what matters. We can not control what we have already done, just what we are about to do.
It's great that you are honest with yourself, that is the most important thing.
Just relax, and take it as always..One day at a time.
Hugs and All
Nic
I think it's great that you were honest about this here.
A slip up is not a failure.
Keep going, girl ;)
one slip...but many MANY other opportunites to drink that you didn't take advantage of...
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