Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Panic

I just had a panic attack, a new thing for me. My first attack happened unexpectedly on an airplane. I never was afraid of flying before, I actually enjoyed it, watched a movie and drank a few bloody mary's. So, I was on the airplane with my ex and my brother sitting in between them. As the plane took off, something didn't feel right to me. It felt that the plane wasn't going fast enough and I had the sensation that the front of the plane was pointing downward. I needed the plane to stop, I had to get off, I was scared to death. I started shaking, I was completely dizzy and disoriented, my heart was RACING, the rollarcoaster feeling in my stomach, I couldn't breath, tears were streaming down my face- my bro and ex were fine. They yelled over to the attendant and got me water during takeoff. I realized that I couldn't get off the plane and tried to cope and stop making a scene, but that horrible physical feeling came back in waves throughout the flight- pure dizziness, uncontrollable shaking, gasping for breaths. We landed, I survived.

Over the past year, I noticed that I get dizzy and panicky when dealing with heights. I lived in Manhattan for 2 years, on the 37th floor of a highrise. I would hang out on my patio with no problem, still had issues looking up at buildings from the street, feeling like I was going to fall down and hit the pavement, but its wasn't bad at all. I'm not panicky about crowds or busy places or leaving my comfort zone.

When I was in Florida during the trip before my first dreadful attack on the plane, we had to drive over a VERY tall, steep, narrow bridge right outside Tampa. They're very high in Florida because large ships need to be able to pass under. I had a similar feeling on panic, feeling this loss of control over my body, the crazy feeling of heights...But only as we ascended the bridge up the steep slope, so steep you couldn't see 20 ft in front of you. The decent was fine, the panic eased and we got back onto flat highway, but it reminded me of a rollarcoaster.

I used to love rollarcoasters, I was afraid of course but elated once I got off and wanted to go again and again. I cannot go on them anymore. I found this out two years ago when I went to Six Flags with my ex, a rollarcoaster fanatic. So, he wanted to conquer the old wooden one. No problem, I thought. But as we went through the line and approached the ride, I panicked and absolutely could not go on. I walked back through the long line of twelve year old girls with no fear and sat on a bench and watched. I was embarrassed and didn't understand why I felt this way all of a sudden. I vowed to go on another coaster, just not that huge wooden one. I picked a smaller one, if you can say that at Six Flags!, and got on. During the slow, creaky ascent to the ill fated drop, my ex was kinda taunting me and making fun of me going, "WHOOOAAA!!!" I was terrified, I hauled off and punched him as hard as I could in the arm or leg. I wanted to hurt him, that fucker had no idea how scared I was. I made it through the ride, felt better, and went on all the other coasters including the wooden one. I felt that I had reaffirmed my love of rollarcoasters.

That's until I went to the mall and tried to go down the escalator. I had what I call a panic attack. The one story height of the escalator and the movement of having to step on made me super disoriented. For the first time ever, an escalator made me lose my equilibrium and I was so dizzy and racy that I almost wanted to back away, but I had people behind me. I stepped on clutching the side, holding on for dear life to keep my balance. Other people were standing normally not even holding the rail. This has gotten worse and worse. Now, just walking on the upper floor of the mall and looking down makes me dizzy.

So I flew down to Florida with my son when he was 2 1/2 months old. I was terrified because I hadn't flown since my first really horrible attack. At 9am, I had four vodka's before getting on the plane, trying to calm my nerves. I also warned the flight attendants. During takeoff, I had the loss of control take over my body and I became extremely dizzy and disoriented just like the last time. When I looked up, the entire plane was spinning and I couldn't focus- and it wasn't from the vodka, I swear. I just stared at my son trying to breath. Also, there was a cute guy sitting next to me so I wanted to fight losing control. I stared at one spot on the seat in front of me and listened to Norah Jones and just tried not to look up. Luckily, I made it alive.

Soo, after my son was born, I have developed sleep apnea. When I am falling asleep, I hold my breath unintentionally until I jump up gasping for air. One time I was so dizzy from holding my breath that I started screaming for my boyfriend, threw myself on the floor and was gasping for air. He got me some cranberry juice to give me some sugar and I came back around. During the day and night I am aware of every breath I take and I have to make sure that I breathe, or I will hold my breath. This happens every night. I couldn't fall asleep last night until 2am because it was so bad.

So today, I had my 30 lb son laying on me sleeping and I couldn't breathe. I started shaking, heart started racing and I felt like I was losing consciousness. To the point where I had my phone in my hand ready to call 911. I called my Dad hysterical, and he has panic attacks also so he talked me through it. I have recovered but even right now, I am having problems breathing. I think I'm gonna chill on the cigs. My Dad referred me to a doctor that specializes in breathing problems and sleep disorders. I have to wait a week to be seen, but something needs to be done. I am alone with my son and can't have this happening all the time. I want to breath normally, stop getting dizzy all the time for no reason and get my equilibrium back. Anyway, I gotta stop writing and chill out for a bit. Talk to you soon.

8 comments:

katherine. said...

When my daughter was a baby, I was just a bit younger than you and I had some vertigo episodes.

Rollercoaster, planes, and canyons while backpacking. Not so much fun. My hormone balance was out of whack...being a new Mommy, nursing and handling the details of a death in my family.

Its great your Dad has given you a doctor with the specialization...

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

"Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition." (p122)
Meetings are medicine.
Fear is a by product of dishonesty, (which manifests as denial, delusion) and the inability to stay in the PRESENT.

"If you stand with one foot in tomorrow and one foot in yesterday, you are in the perfect position to piss all over today."
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift; that's why they call it the present
Eleanor Roosevelt
It’s a cinch an inch, but it’s hard by the yard
Live your life in "Day-tight" compartments

Say the serenity prayer like a mantra. Over and over
Or call another person in the programme.
And call a newcomer.

My fear was out of control when I was new.
It used to manifest as:
1. Waking nightmares. Or the 'horrors'.
I would see horrible things out of the corner of my eye. Which made me jump.
I would see disembodied heads where circular objects were. For instance.
I would 'see' a bomb going off under my seat on the tube and see my legs and lower body being blown to pieces in front of me. Bone fragments and flesh flying everywhere. It played like a video that I could not stop.
A friend of mine (who was new) could not stop herself from seeing her hand being trapped and pulverized every time she saw a paper shedder in the office.
2. Paranoia.
Every time someone laughed, I knew they were laughing at me.
I could always see the cruel barb in every comment.

I was frightened ALL the time. On edge all the time.
The steps did for me what I could not do for myself. Now I am able to live in the moment.
Of course I wanted to not be frightened when I was new. But that choice was not available to me. Why?
"Lack of power, that was our dilemma." (p45)
"Our human resources, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly." (p45)

This is why we NEED the program of recovery.
Practical experience shows that NOTHING will so much insure immunity from drinking as INTENSIVE work with other alcoholics. p89
And that is why I was trying to help those newer than me almost as soon as I started going to meetings. Because It stabilized my mood, until the first nine steps gave me a permanent foundation.
Get to as MANY meetings as you can. Put your recovery FIRST, or your life may become unbearable.
These emotional and mental symptoms of untreated alcoholism are VERY unpleasant.
"Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition." (p122)

The more you put in, the more you will get out.
I was suffering TERRIBLY without a drink before I realized not drinking alone would not save me. There is no easier softer way I'm afraid.
But the good news is, that it DOES get better.
So keep coming back!

sharonsjourney said...

I am on an anti depressant, that also helps with panic attacks, & phobias, which I have both. The medication really helps. Not to say they are for you, but it's worth looking into. I didn't know I had those until I got sober. I also have ADD, & am on medication for that. When I first got sober, I wouldn't go on any meds at all, & I was a mess, I kept going back out. So, I finally gave in to them, & am alot better today. This could also be due to early sobriety, our whole system is messed up, & goes thru alot of changes. Maybe you would only need the meds temporarily till you get a some time under your belt, & go thru the steps. That's what happens to alot of people. I'm going to see if I can go off mine now that it's been awhile & I'm more stabalized. It's too bad you are unable to go to meetings, & get in the fellowship, get a sponsor, that would get you thru alot, & things get better. Do you know another alcoholic you can call? Only another alcoholic/addict really understands. Not that your father doesn't, he has those too. The more help you can get the better.

Hope you get better. Love Ya, Sharon

My Name Here said...

After the birth of my middle daughter, I started with panic attacks. After Nick and Maddie, I now can not even watch comercials with roller coasters in them, I get so sick. Having babies takes a horrible toll on our bodies.
I am glad you are going to the doctors. Hang in there until then. Breathting like you did when you were in labor, that actually helpes me a lot. Try it, it may help you. My prayers are with you.

sharonsjourney said...

I didn't even think about the toll having a baby has on you, yea, consider that along with being newly sober, that's a double whamy! Do you have a Big Book, & 12X12? If not, my suggestion to you would be to get them, especially the Big Book, & READ them. Maybe read up on new mothers too. Anything about panic attacks. Good luck to you. Hope you are doing well, for now.

~e~ said...

Wow, I visit you every now and then and find that we have so much in common! My panic attacks started long before motherhood or alcohol. My 15-year old son now suffers panic attacks as well.

Like you, I have a recent fear of flying, with EXACTLY the same feeling....I need to get off...now!
I don't know the answer yet, but I search constantly. I have happily ridden the wooden coaster at six flags in the last few years, as well as all the others. So far, my phobia is more related to confinement, although I suffer panic and chronic anxiety daily, for no valid reason I can see.

I just thought you should know you aren't alone. Somehow that seems to help me.

Peace to you.

Shadow said...

ain't it weird. as kids we are fearless, and as we grow up, suddenly for no reason, things we used to do become impossible....

lotsa luck in sorting this out!

molly said...

Hi girlie: I used to think I loved flying! I drank at the bar before getting on the plane. Then I'd drink on the plane. Then I'd drink during the layover. Then drink on the next plane. Flying sober? Sucked the first time. It'll get better I promise!