Panic

I just had a panic attack, a new thing for me. My first attack happened unexpectedly on an airplane. I never was afraid of flying before, I actually enjoyed it, watched a movie and drank a few bloody mary's. So, I was on the airplane with my ex and my brother sitting in between them. As the plane took off, something didn't feel right to me. It felt that the plane wasn't going fast enough and I had the sensation that the front of the plane was pointing downward. I needed the plane to stop, I had to get off, I was scared to death. I started shaking, I was completely dizzy and disoriented, my heart was RACING, the rollarcoaster feeling in my stomach, I couldn't breath, tears were streaming down my face- my bro and ex were fine. They yelled over to the attendant and got me water during takeoff. I realized that I couldn't get off the plane and tried to cope and stop making a scene, but that horrible physical feeling came back in waves throughout the flight- pure dizziness, uncontrollable shaking, gasping for breaths. We landed, I survived.

Over the past year, I noticed that I get dizzy and panicky when dealing with heights. I lived in Manhattan for 2 years, on the 37th floor of a highrise. I would hang out on my patio with no problem, still had issues looking up at buildings from the street, feeling like I was going to fall down and hit the pavement, but its wasn't bad at all. I'm not panicky about crowds or busy places or leaving my comfort zone.

When I was in Florida during the trip before my first dreadful attack on the plane, we had to drive over a VERY tall, steep, narrow bridge right outside Tampa. They're very high in Florida because large ships need to be able to pass under. I had a similar feeling on panic, feeling this loss of control over my body, the crazy feeling of heights...But only as we ascended the bridge up the steep slope, so steep you couldn't see 20 ft in front of you. The decent was fine, the panic eased and we got back onto flat highway, but it reminded me of a rollarcoaster.

I used to love rollarcoasters, I was afraid of course but elated once I got off and wanted to go again and again. I cannot go on them anymore. I found this out two years ago when I went to Six Flags with my ex, a rollarcoaster fanatic. So, he wanted to conquer the old wooden one. No problem, I thought. But as we went through the line and approached the ride, I panicked and absolutely could not go on. I walked back through the long line of twelve year old girls with no fear and sat on a bench and watched. I was embarrassed and didn't understand why I felt this way all of a sudden. I vowed to go on another coaster, just not that huge wooden one. I picked a smaller one, if you can say that at Six Flags!, and got on. During the slow, creaky ascent to the ill fated drop, my ex was kinda taunting me and making fun of me going, "WHOOOAAA!!!" I was terrified, I hauled off and punched him as hard as I could in the arm or leg. I wanted to hurt him, that fucker had no idea how scared I was. I made it through the ride, felt better, and went on all the other coasters including the wooden one. I felt that I had reaffirmed my love of rollarcoasters.

That's until I went to the mall and tried to go down the escalator. I had what I call a panic attack. The one story height of the escalator and the movement of having to step on made me super disoriented. For the first time ever, an escalator made me lose my equilibrium and I was so dizzy and racy that I almost wanted to back away, but I had people behind me. I stepped on clutching the side, holding on for dear life to keep my balance. Other people were standing normally not even holding the rail. This has gotten worse and worse. Now, just walking on the upper floor of the mall and looking down makes me dizzy.

So I flew down to Florida with my son when he was 2 1/2 months old. I was terrified because I hadn't flown since my first really horrible attack. At 9am, I had four vodka's before getting on the plane, trying to calm my nerves. I also warned the flight attendants. During takeoff, I had the loss of control take over my body and I became extremely dizzy and disoriented just like the last time. When I looked up, the entire plane was spinning and I couldn't focus- and it wasn't from the vodka, I swear. I just stared at my son trying to breath. Also, there was a cute guy sitting next to me so I wanted to fight losing control. I stared at one spot on the seat in front of me and listened to Norah Jones and just tried not to look up. Luckily, I made it alive.

Soo, after my son was born, I have developed sleep apnea. When I am falling asleep, I hold my breath unintentionally until I jump up gasping for air. One time I was so dizzy from holding my breath that I started screaming for my boyfriend, threw myself on the floor and was gasping for air. He got me some cranberry juice to give me some sugar and I came back around. During the day and night I am aware of every breath I take and I have to make sure that I breathe, or I will hold my breath. This happens every night. I couldn't fall asleep last night until 2am because it was so bad.

So today, I had my 30 lb son laying on me sleeping and I couldn't breathe. I started shaking, heart started racing and I felt like I was losing consciousness. To the point where I had my phone in my hand ready to call 911. I called my Dad hysterical, and he has panic attacks also so he talked me through it. I have recovered but even right now, I am having problems breathing. I think I'm gonna chill on the cigs. My Dad referred me to a doctor that specializes in breathing problems and sleep disorders. I have to wait a week to be seen, but something needs to be done. I am alone with my son and can't have this happening all the time. I want to breath normally, stop getting dizzy all the time for no reason and get my equilibrium back. Anyway, I gotta stop writing and chill out for a bit. Talk to you soon.