Soo, I've been lazy lately and hate typing but I wanna catch up with you all. My job interview went very well, I looked great, spoke great and it was unfortunate because it didn't pay enough for me to pay my bills. It was an entry level position paying peanuts per hour and that's not for me. I wasn't aware of the money they were offering so I wasted their time and more importantly mine. It was at a BMW/Mercedes dealership and it was a "service administrator", meaning I would be around a bunch of meatheads all day getting sexually harassed, my favorite... It was pretty clear that might be the case when the first thing out of the service directors mouth was sexually insinuating. After I wasted this lovely woman's time interviewing with her, she got the service director to speak with me. But by that time, I found out what they were offering to pay and I wouldn't accept the job unless they gave me a brand new mercedes. So this skinny, pedophilic, 60 year old man came over to finish the interview and I quickly explained that I could not accept the position because of the money, I explained that I was a single mom, etc. The first words out of mouth were "You're a single mom, I can take care of that for you" with a creepy smile to boot. Umm, you're nasty, you're old, you weigh less than me and you think you can be my baby daddy? I already have a baby daddy who I adore, and you just sexually harassed me. It could have been worse, which I have subject to, but it was still so inappropriate. Glad I won't be working with that asshole.
So I just found out that my mom is giving me her "old" white BMW X5, fully paid for because she got bored and wanted another car. She also offered to pay for my car insurance. I'm shocked, so extremely excited and grateful. That is my dream car and I'm not even worthy. It just shows how important it is for me to stay sober, be a responsible person and accept these gracious gifts with a commitment for wellness.
SOOO, I wrote the above a few days ago. I'm such a bad blogger and have been so busy that I haven't posted in forever. So, I had another job interview with a huge insurance company this morning and I got hired!! I start October 1st- YEAH! Now I can lay around for the next 10 days and enjoy myself before I start. I can't wait to put him in day care and get a break from the exhausting baby drama days. I have been getting the worst sleep lately, it totally sucks. So, I'm gonna relax the next week or so and get ready to become a working girl again- $$$$$$. I'll stalk you all later. Love ya.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Chillin
Soo, today was okay. I got hardly any sleep last night because of my sleep apnea, falling asleep and waking up in panic cause I haven't taken a breath in a minute...I was up until 2am, again-- While my son is out like a light taking up the whole bed. He slept from 8pm-9:45 while I was watching The Biggest Loser, I love that show. He woke up and was up until midnight holding his feet straight up in the air, wide awake. I was soo tired from the 3 hours of sleep I had the night before, but it was better than recovering from a coke binge, that's for sure. Finally he passed out and I just struggled to breath, What The F**K!
I went to the dentist this morning to get impressions of my teeth for a mouth guard because I grind my teeth like a caveman and will have nubs for teeth in 5 years. I'm surprised I even have teeth or gums from all the coke I've rubbed on them... Anyway, impressions give me nightmares of my retainer and headgear dayz when I had to get them done. The rookie nurse kept f-ing up and I had to do them 3 times. The 3rd time I was full on gagging and preferred childbirth to to this goopy clay running down the back of my throat. I was ready to forget the mouth guard all together, but I did it. I made it through a gross but menial sort of challenge. So, yeah for me.
I then got my windshield fixed from the whale of the truck that kicked up a rock and broke it. Double yeah.
THEN, I got a certified letter from the NH State Prison where my future hubby resides. It wasn't a nice note. The last time I was there, I was pissy. Got a ticket on the way there and was "verbally abused" by the hick guard. I had to pee so bad and my son was asleep on his dad. The guard wouldn't let me pee without bringing him to the toilet while I pissed. I kinda mouthed off, who ME??? So, later on I needed his formula which I left out in the car. I have been able to go outside during visits, smoke a butt, get a diaper, etc. But not on the watch of this fucking schmuck. I told him that I was able to go to my car on at least 7 different occasions and I didn't bring the formula in and I needed it cause my son was hungry. He said if I stepped outside, I couldn't be able to come back in. What...am I the prisoner?? They should be consistant then, or I wouldn't have left the shit in the car expecting the ability to go outside. I just rolled my eyes and gave my son water to drink. So he documented my rudeness and they sent me a letter, not prohibiting further visits, but stating that if I try to leave the visitation area without my son, I can no longer drive 8 fucking hours to see my baby daddy. I respect their want for control, but I just have to say- FUCK YOU NEW HAMPSHIRE, YOU FUCKING HICK STATE..NO HELMETS, NO SEATBELTS, NO PROBLEM, WE LIVE IN THE WOODS.... No offense to any NH residents of course. Anyway, my neck is killing again, but I haven't drank since my big sip so that's good. I have a job interview tomorrow morning, ahh, I have to dress up, that sucks. Anyway, love ya all, talk to you soon.
I went to the dentist this morning to get impressions of my teeth for a mouth guard because I grind my teeth like a caveman and will have nubs for teeth in 5 years. I'm surprised I even have teeth or gums from all the coke I've rubbed on them... Anyway, impressions give me nightmares of my retainer and headgear dayz when I had to get them done. The rookie nurse kept f-ing up and I had to do them 3 times. The 3rd time I was full on gagging and preferred childbirth to to this goopy clay running down the back of my throat. I was ready to forget the mouth guard all together, but I did it. I made it through a gross but menial sort of challenge. So, yeah for me.
I then got my windshield fixed from the whale of the truck that kicked up a rock and broke it. Double yeah.
THEN, I got a certified letter from the NH State Prison where my future hubby resides. It wasn't a nice note. The last time I was there, I was pissy. Got a ticket on the way there and was "verbally abused" by the hick guard. I had to pee so bad and my son was asleep on his dad. The guard wouldn't let me pee without bringing him to the toilet while I pissed. I kinda mouthed off, who ME??? So, later on I needed his formula which I left out in the car. I have been able to go outside during visits, smoke a butt, get a diaper, etc. But not on the watch of this fucking schmuck. I told him that I was able to go to my car on at least 7 different occasions and I didn't bring the formula in and I needed it cause my son was hungry. He said if I stepped outside, I couldn't be able to come back in. What...am I the prisoner?? They should be consistant then, or I wouldn't have left the shit in the car expecting the ability to go outside. I just rolled my eyes and gave my son water to drink. So he documented my rudeness and they sent me a letter, not prohibiting further visits, but stating that if I try to leave the visitation area without my son, I can no longer drive 8 fucking hours to see my baby daddy. I respect their want for control, but I just have to say- FUCK YOU NEW HAMPSHIRE, YOU FUCKING HICK STATE..NO HELMETS, NO SEATBELTS, NO PROBLEM, WE LIVE IN THE WOODS.... No offense to any NH residents of course. Anyway, my neck is killing again, but I haven't drank since my big sip so that's good. I have a job interview tomorrow morning, ahh, I have to dress up, that sucks. Anyway, love ya all, talk to you soon.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Panic
I just had a panic attack, a new thing for me. My first attack happened unexpectedly on an airplane. I never was afraid of flying before, I actually enjoyed it, watched a movie and drank a few bloody mary's. So, I was on the airplane with my ex and my brother sitting in between them. As the plane took off, something didn't feel right to me. It felt that the plane wasn't going fast enough and I had the sensation that the front of the plane was pointing downward. I needed the plane to stop, I had to get off, I was scared to death. I started shaking, I was completely dizzy and disoriented, my heart was RACING, the rollarcoaster feeling in my stomach, I couldn't breath, tears were streaming down my face- my bro and ex were fine. They yelled over to the attendant and got me water during takeoff. I realized that I couldn't get off the plane and tried to cope and stop making a scene, but that horrible physical feeling came back in waves throughout the flight- pure dizziness, uncontrollable shaking, gasping for breaths. We landed, I survived.
Over the past year, I noticed that I get dizzy and panicky when dealing with heights. I lived in Manhattan for 2 years, on the 37th floor of a highrise. I would hang out on my patio with no problem, still had issues looking up at buildings from the street, feeling like I was going to fall down and hit the pavement, but its wasn't bad at all. I'm not panicky about crowds or busy places or leaving my comfort zone.
When I was in Florida during the trip before my first dreadful attack on the plane, we had to drive over a VERY tall, steep, narrow bridge right outside Tampa. They're very high in Florida because large ships need to be able to pass under. I had a similar feeling on panic, feeling this loss of control over my body, the crazy feeling of heights...But only as we ascended the bridge up the steep slope, so steep you couldn't see 20 ft in front of you. The decent was fine, the panic eased and we got back onto flat highway, but it reminded me of a rollarcoaster.
I used to love rollarcoasters, I was afraid of course but elated once I got off and wanted to go again and again. I cannot go on them anymore. I found this out two years ago when I went to Six Flags with my ex, a rollarcoaster fanatic. So, he wanted to conquer the old wooden one. No problem, I thought. But as we went through the line and approached the ride, I panicked and absolutely could not go on. I walked back through the long line of twelve year old girls with no fear and sat on a bench and watched. I was embarrassed and didn't understand why I felt this way all of a sudden. I vowed to go on another coaster, just not that huge wooden one. I picked a smaller one, if you can say that at Six Flags!, and got on. During the slow, creaky ascent to the ill fated drop, my ex was kinda taunting me and making fun of me going, "WHOOOAAA!!!" I was terrified, I hauled off and punched him as hard as I could in the arm or leg. I wanted to hurt him, that fucker had no idea how scared I was. I made it through the ride, felt better, and went on all the other coasters including the wooden one. I felt that I had reaffirmed my love of rollarcoasters.
That's until I went to the mall and tried to go down the escalator. I had what I call a panic attack. The one story height of the escalator and the movement of having to step on made me super disoriented. For the first time ever, an escalator made me lose my equilibrium and I was so dizzy and racy that I almost wanted to back away, but I had people behind me. I stepped on clutching the side, holding on for dear life to keep my balance. Other people were standing normally not even holding the rail. This has gotten worse and worse. Now, just walking on the upper floor of the mall and looking down makes me dizzy.
So I flew down to Florida with my son when he was 2 1/2 months old. I was terrified because I hadn't flown since my first really horrible attack. At 9am, I had four vodka's before getting on the plane, trying to calm my nerves. I also warned the flight attendants. During takeoff, I had the loss of control take over my body and I became extremely dizzy and disoriented just like the last time. When I looked up, the entire plane was spinning and I couldn't focus- and it wasn't from the vodka, I swear. I just stared at my son trying to breath. Also, there was a cute guy sitting next to me so I wanted to fight losing control. I stared at one spot on the seat in front of me and listened to Norah Jones and just tried not to look up. Luckily, I made it alive.
Soo, after my son was born, I have developed sleep apnea. When I am falling asleep, I hold my breath unintentionally until I jump up gasping for air. One time I was so dizzy from holding my breath that I started screaming for my boyfriend, threw myself on the floor and was gasping for air. He got me some cranberry juice to give me some sugar and I came back around. During the day and night I am aware of every breath I take and I have to make sure that I breathe, or I will hold my breath. This happens every night. I couldn't fall asleep last night until 2am because it was so bad.
So today, I had my 30 lb son laying on me sleeping and I couldn't breathe. I started shaking, heart started racing and I felt like I was losing consciousness. To the point where I had my phone in my hand ready to call 911. I called my Dad hysterical, and he has panic attacks also so he talked me through it. I have recovered but even right now, I am having problems breathing. I think I'm gonna chill on the cigs. My Dad referred me to a doctor that specializes in breathing problems and sleep disorders. I have to wait a week to be seen, but something needs to be done. I am alone with my son and can't have this happening all the time. I want to breath normally, stop getting dizzy all the time for no reason and get my equilibrium back. Anyway, I gotta stop writing and chill out for a bit. Talk to you soon.
Over the past year, I noticed that I get dizzy and panicky when dealing with heights. I lived in Manhattan for 2 years, on the 37th floor of a highrise. I would hang out on my patio with no problem, still had issues looking up at buildings from the street, feeling like I was going to fall down and hit the pavement, but its wasn't bad at all. I'm not panicky about crowds or busy places or leaving my comfort zone.
When I was in Florida during the trip before my first dreadful attack on the plane, we had to drive over a VERY tall, steep, narrow bridge right outside Tampa. They're very high in Florida because large ships need to be able to pass under. I had a similar feeling on panic, feeling this loss of control over my body, the crazy feeling of heights...But only as we ascended the bridge up the steep slope, so steep you couldn't see 20 ft in front of you. The decent was fine, the panic eased and we got back onto flat highway, but it reminded me of a rollarcoaster.
I used to love rollarcoasters, I was afraid of course but elated once I got off and wanted to go again and again. I cannot go on them anymore. I found this out two years ago when I went to Six Flags with my ex, a rollarcoaster fanatic. So, he wanted to conquer the old wooden one. No problem, I thought. But as we went through the line and approached the ride, I panicked and absolutely could not go on. I walked back through the long line of twelve year old girls with no fear and sat on a bench and watched. I was embarrassed and didn't understand why I felt this way all of a sudden. I vowed to go on another coaster, just not that huge wooden one. I picked a smaller one, if you can say that at Six Flags!, and got on. During the slow, creaky ascent to the ill fated drop, my ex was kinda taunting me and making fun of me going, "WHOOOAAA!!!" I was terrified, I hauled off and punched him as hard as I could in the arm or leg. I wanted to hurt him, that fucker had no idea how scared I was. I made it through the ride, felt better, and went on all the other coasters including the wooden one. I felt that I had reaffirmed my love of rollarcoasters.
That's until I went to the mall and tried to go down the escalator. I had what I call a panic attack. The one story height of the escalator and the movement of having to step on made me super disoriented. For the first time ever, an escalator made me lose my equilibrium and I was so dizzy and racy that I almost wanted to back away, but I had people behind me. I stepped on clutching the side, holding on for dear life to keep my balance. Other people were standing normally not even holding the rail. This has gotten worse and worse. Now, just walking on the upper floor of the mall and looking down makes me dizzy.
So I flew down to Florida with my son when he was 2 1/2 months old. I was terrified because I hadn't flown since my first really horrible attack. At 9am, I had four vodka's before getting on the plane, trying to calm my nerves. I also warned the flight attendants. During takeoff, I had the loss of control take over my body and I became extremely dizzy and disoriented just like the last time. When I looked up, the entire plane was spinning and I couldn't focus- and it wasn't from the vodka, I swear. I just stared at my son trying to breath. Also, there was a cute guy sitting next to me so I wanted to fight losing control. I stared at one spot on the seat in front of me and listened to Norah Jones and just tried not to look up. Luckily, I made it alive.
Soo, after my son was born, I have developed sleep apnea. When I am falling asleep, I hold my breath unintentionally until I jump up gasping for air. One time I was so dizzy from holding my breath that I started screaming for my boyfriend, threw myself on the floor and was gasping for air. He got me some cranberry juice to give me some sugar and I came back around. During the day and night I am aware of every breath I take and I have to make sure that I breathe, or I will hold my breath. This happens every night. I couldn't fall asleep last night until 2am because it was so bad.
So today, I had my 30 lb son laying on me sleeping and I couldn't breathe. I started shaking, heart started racing and I felt like I was losing consciousness. To the point where I had my phone in my hand ready to call 911. I called my Dad hysterical, and he has panic attacks also so he talked me through it. I have recovered but even right now, I am having problems breathing. I think I'm gonna chill on the cigs. My Dad referred me to a doctor that specializes in breathing problems and sleep disorders. I have to wait a week to be seen, but something needs to be done. I am alone with my son and can't have this happening all the time. I want to breath normally, stop getting dizzy all the time for no reason and get my equilibrium back. Anyway, I gotta stop writing and chill out for a bit. Talk to you soon.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Monday, Monday, Monday
Hey everyone!!
This weekend was so-so. It rained every freakin day and I owe $35 dollars in late fees at Hollywood Video so I didn't check out the new releases. My Dad has Netflex and watches movies constantly, I'm so jealous. But he said I can pick out movies I want so that's cool. What am I talking about anyway....I have to get a job ASAP. My son is teething and is soo loud during the days. Such a doll, a great sleeper, but noisy. I want daycare!! He needs to socialize and play and they can wear him out for me, and then I'll enjoy tire little quiet Preston in the evenings. Plus a paycheck would be nice, my parents are about ready to lose it!! They have paid all my bills and I have had the luxury of staying home for 6 months with my son. It would have been nice for his father to be around, but it is what it is.
I've been feeling a little worn out the past few days. A little achy and feverish and my back and neck is kinda hurting. I need a fucking massage like you don't even know!! I used to get them regularly when I was pregnant and haven't had one since delivery. If my man was here, he could do it, ahhh, but he's not. Anyway, sorry I haven't checked in on ya'll in a few days. Last night I went to my Dad's and had a BBQ, in the rain. Marinated T-Bone steaks, corn, beans, veggies, and no beer. But I think my Dad downed a few before I got there, he seemed buzzed. But at least he doesn't drink in front of me, so he can drink all he wants when I'm not around. Well, my sons yelling and I've got a sweet potato about to explode in the oven- yum. I'll stalk you all later.
Oh yea, and I'm not gonna contemplate cheating with Evan. Its totally not worth the risk. I'll wait for my man and I'm sure he'll appreciate that!!! I'd kill him if he cheated on me- what a double standard, ya know? Plus, I don't need two baby daddy's!!!
Love ya'll.
This weekend was so-so. It rained every freakin day and I owe $35 dollars in late fees at Hollywood Video so I didn't check out the new releases. My Dad has Netflex and watches movies constantly, I'm so jealous. But he said I can pick out movies I want so that's cool. What am I talking about anyway....I have to get a job ASAP. My son is teething and is soo loud during the days. Such a doll, a great sleeper, but noisy. I want daycare!! He needs to socialize and play and they can wear him out for me, and then I'll enjoy tire little quiet Preston in the evenings. Plus a paycheck would be nice, my parents are about ready to lose it!! They have paid all my bills and I have had the luxury of staying home for 6 months with my son. It would have been nice for his father to be around, but it is what it is.
I've been feeling a little worn out the past few days. A little achy and feverish and my back and neck is kinda hurting. I need a fucking massage like you don't even know!! I used to get them regularly when I was pregnant and haven't had one since delivery. If my man was here, he could do it, ahhh, but he's not. Anyway, sorry I haven't checked in on ya'll in a few days. Last night I went to my Dad's and had a BBQ, in the rain. Marinated T-Bone steaks, corn, beans, veggies, and no beer. But I think my Dad downed a few before I got there, he seemed buzzed. But at least he doesn't drink in front of me, so he can drink all he wants when I'm not around. Well, my sons yelling and I've got a sweet potato about to explode in the oven- yum. I'll stalk you all later.
Oh yea, and I'm not gonna contemplate cheating with Evan. Its totally not worth the risk. I'll wait for my man and I'm sure he'll appreciate that!!! I'd kill him if he cheated on me- what a double standard, ya know? Plus, I don't need two baby daddy's!!!
Love ya'll.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Boys...Boys...Boys
SOOOOO, I woke up this morning around 8am. I'm smoking again so I went outside for a smoke. There were these guys paving my parking lot. I'm minding my own business but happen to look over and check out the guy in the truck in front of my apartment. HMM, he looks familiar. In fact, I used to fuck him!! He was a fling for several months. But I wasn't sure it was him, that would be too random. I went back inside but put on a hot pink tank top for my next smoke. Oh my god, it's him. I wanted to hide, but I wanted to say hi. I was yapping with my neighbor when he walked by and immediately noticed me. He said, "I saw you earlier, I knew that was you!!" A quick kiss on the cheek and quick hello. Been there, DONE that, no problem.
So, a few minutes later, a hottie is walking towards me, right at me. I'm like "who is this?" Oh my god, its Evan. He is a friend of my former fling and has been a crush of mine for 10 years. He used to date one of my friends, but we kissed one night and I have wanted him ever since. He is a bad boy, gorgeous, intimidating, sexy as hell and a sarcastic joy to talk to. (It's 8:30am and I'm in my PJ's). He talked to me for about 20 minutes- stopped working and was talking, staring deep into my eyes, intimidating the shit out of me. He is so beautiful. So, I think he was going to get fired so he started working again. Holy shit, Evan! Its been 7 years since he's seen me. I'm a mom, I'm a loner, I'm a little heavier than I was in high school. He has grown into a gorgeous piece of ass, lol. A few minutes later when I was casually sucking down another cig, he asked if he could use my bathroom. I said, "Yeah ok, hold on". I ran back in, cleaned my toilet, picked up my underwear and let him in. He left the seat up, but I was happy that he pissed in my toilet----that's forgivable. So, they left after they sealed the pavement.
I was depressed. I missed Evan. I knew they were coming back to line the spaces and couldn't wait another minute. I was looking out the window in despair. I just wanted to LOOK at him. I just wanted to talk to him again. They came back and Evan was casually wandering around my front door, pretending to work, as I assume he usually does. However, this time, his shirt was off and so was my ex's. God damn, their bodies are amazing. Six packs, cocoa brown skin, tattoos, muscles, sweat, dirt, etc etc etc etc. I chatted with Evan and tried to flirt very innocently... I was in heat. Mind you, I love my boyfriend, I want to be with him forever, but he hasn't been here for 5 months and I have another 5 to go. Hot ass sweaty dirty Evan is standing in front of me with a guilty smile. After some childish flirting, I wanted his number. Not to sleep with him... But I have lost a lot of friends since I stopped partying and I just wanna go out for a bite, or talk, or make out for hours....But making out will lead to more, who am I kidding.
He asked is we had a hose cause he had tar all over his legs and was burning up- good thing he took his shirt off. He asked me to wet his tee shirt so he could clean his legs. Then he asked me if I would take a quick shower with him- jokingly. Thank god I had just taken a shower. I could go on and on, but to wrap it up, as he was leaving, I panicked and asked for his number. He told me to give him my digits with a sexy smile and I knew I was asking for trouble. I gave him my number and know that's just the wrong thing to do. We don't know each other, its been 7 years. He wants sex, I want sex, I don't want a relationship. Why him!! The only guy I have had a monster crush on forever. I could give a shit about the other guy today. I wanted Evan- for ages. I don't know if I am able to hang out with him and not cause major trouble. He knows about my situation and I'm sure doesn't expect a commitment, but life is short and I want to see him again. I want to kiss him again, really. Nothing more. Sex is dangerous and there's many notches on his bed post. But I've known him for years and today, I cannot think of anything but him. I talked to my man this afternoon and told him I have slept with one of the guys outside paving our parking lot. He's cool, doesn't bother him, he knows I love him to death. But this is a crush, an old crush that I was forced to deal with. I want to see Evan, I don't know what I'm going to do. Its not to hurt Dave, or cheat like I usually do, I just want to see someone who I truly enjoy. What to do, what to do...
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Better Day
Soo...I had a great nights sleep last night. Because I had none the night before, I shut the lights off at 9pm and passed the F**K out. A quick bottle for the baby at 4:30 and then he woke up at 7:30 and I felt ready for a new day. The first thing I did was set him up in his jumper with a Baby Einstein DVD and cleaned my messy kitchen. Then I opened the kitchen windows and let cool air blow through my house. I hung out with him and had mommy time. Then he had his first nap. I HAD to write my resume or my Dad was going to kill me. I got out the disk with my old resume so it would only take a few minutes to change. However, my gorgeous brand new laptop that my Dad bought me doesn't have a disk drive- only CD's and such. So I had to write it over. And the Microsoft Word 2007 is sooo different, so complex, I have not in anyway mastered it. I was searching everywhere for the resume templates and after 15 minutes of searching, I found them. I wrote my resume.
Clear Channel Radio / Marketing Executive / Alcoholic-Pothead-Coke Addict,
W Hotel in NYC / Alcoholic-Pothead-Major Coke Addict
Provence and Milano /two amazing privately owned restaurants - Alcoholic-Cokehead- Pothead...fired for drinking on the job
Couldn't be prouder!!
I do have a college education. Four years of the best time in my life. Major in Sociology, Minor in Communication, Minor in Psychology, Major in drinking, drugs and sex. I honestly graduated with a 3.5. I did awesome. Especially in my senior year when I enjoyed coke without paranoia, I managed to get at least a 3.6 for all 4 quarters. Maybe I'm smart after all!! Or maybe my college was easier than my high school...either, or. I guess I feel good about finally completing my resume. It took me 3 weeks for 10 minutes of work- awesome. But, even though I can't fill my resume with amazing work experience, I have always worked (to support my habits) and it looked pretty good.
Damn, sleeps helps a momma out!! I'm cooking dinner, the baby's sleeping and I'm over my drama from a few days ago. Maybe everything happens for a reason.. Well, I really appreciated your comments last night. I'll talk to you all tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
What a day!
So I went and visited my man yesterday. He looked soo good, we had a great visit and a hot kiss at the end. I miss him so much. He's my best friend, he completely understands me, loves me and accepts me. He is so easy to be around, never stressed and compliments me perfectly- except the whole jail thing. But I've made it 5 months by myself and there's only a few left to get through until he's home with me.
The drive sux. Four hours there, four hours back. So, I was driving yesterday about three hours in when I notice that a cop driving in the opposite direction turned around and put his lights on. The next thing I knew I was being pulled over. The first thing that crossed my mind was thank god I wasn't drinking. I asked him if I was speeding, cause I didn't think I was. I have my son in the car and hardly ever speed under normal circumstances. He said I was going 82. BULLSHIT!! I don't even go that fast on a 65 mile an hour highway. Plus there were cars in front of me. How did he know he clocked me? Were we all going 82? Is it because I was the only out of state license plate? And New York to boot?
He gave me a ticket for going 26 miles over the speed limit and told me I have to appear it court because of being 26 over. So if I was going 81 I wouldn't have to drive out of state for a bullshit court date? Did he have a quota to reach?- the fat fuck. Well, nonetheless, arguing with cops never gets me anywhere, but I felt that I was being lied to and singled out for a NY plate. And, there is a $350 fine and I don't even know how many points on my already tarnished license. I just wanted to get back on the road because the twenty minute "detour" made me even more late for my visitation. Well, I was pissed and about 10 minutes after I resumed my trip, a 16 wheeler kicked up a rock and cracked my windshield. GREAT. I really wanted to just pound a fucking bottle of wine and smoke a pack of cigs right there.
When I got home last night I was exhausted and furious at the bullshit ticket I received. I went to bed hoping to sleep off the drama but I couldn't sleep. I slept until about midnight and then was up for the rest of the night, I have no idea why. I was hot, tossing and turning and just thinking like crazy. I was still up at 5:30 when my baby needed a bottle. I finally got some shut-eye from 7am-8am and have been up ever since. My back hurts, my house is a mess, I went through some bills and realized some were late, again. Today sucked. I feel nauseous and edgy and annoyed. But I have to be a mom and put a smile on my face for my son. Thank god he's here or I would probably be a depressed, raging, drunk. Wait, aren't I anyway? Well, enough of my ranting, my back hurts too much to type. Sorry I'm being such a bitch. Thanks you all for the really nice and supportive comments on my last blog. It really helps me. Have a nice night ya'll. Hopefully I can sleep tonight!!!
The drive sux. Four hours there, four hours back. So, I was driving yesterday about three hours in when I notice that a cop driving in the opposite direction turned around and put his lights on. The next thing I knew I was being pulled over. The first thing that crossed my mind was thank god I wasn't drinking. I asked him if I was speeding, cause I didn't think I was. I have my son in the car and hardly ever speed under normal circumstances. He said I was going 82. BULLSHIT!! I don't even go that fast on a 65 mile an hour highway. Plus there were cars in front of me. How did he know he clocked me? Were we all going 82? Is it because I was the only out of state license plate? And New York to boot?
He gave me a ticket for going 26 miles over the speed limit and told me I have to appear it court because of being 26 over. So if I was going 81 I wouldn't have to drive out of state for a bullshit court date? Did he have a quota to reach?- the fat fuck. Well, nonetheless, arguing with cops never gets me anywhere, but I felt that I was being lied to and singled out for a NY plate. And, there is a $350 fine and I don't even know how many points on my already tarnished license. I just wanted to get back on the road because the twenty minute "detour" made me even more late for my visitation. Well, I was pissed and about 10 minutes after I resumed my trip, a 16 wheeler kicked up a rock and cracked my windshield. GREAT. I really wanted to just pound a fucking bottle of wine and smoke a pack of cigs right there.
When I got home last night I was exhausted and furious at the bullshit ticket I received. I went to bed hoping to sleep off the drama but I couldn't sleep. I slept until about midnight and then was up for the rest of the night, I have no idea why. I was hot, tossing and turning and just thinking like crazy. I was still up at 5:30 when my baby needed a bottle. I finally got some shut-eye from 7am-8am and have been up ever since. My back hurts, my house is a mess, I went through some bills and realized some were late, again. Today sucked. I feel nauseous and edgy and annoyed. But I have to be a mom and put a smile on my face for my son. Thank god he's here or I would probably be a depressed, raging, drunk. Wait, aren't I anyway? Well, enough of my ranting, my back hurts too much to type. Sorry I'm being such a bitch. Thanks you all for the really nice and supportive comments on my last blog. It really helps me. Have a nice night ya'll. Hopefully I can sleep tonight!!!
Monday, September 3, 2007
Manhattan
AHHHH, I made it. 5 days with my mother and we didn't kill each other. And believe it or not, I put that nicotine patch on, and didn't even want a smoke, so weird. Well, once during the trip I stubbed my toe really hard and was about to put my hand through a wall or run to the store for a pack, but the anxiety passed and I didn't smoke. But....I'll be honest here. We got to Manhattan, my dad has a sick two bedroom corporate apartment that he shares with some lawyers and we can use if we reserve it ahead of time. So my mom was parking the car in a garage and the doorman helped me up to the apartment with all of our shit. I was thirsty so I went to the fridge to get a drink, its always stocked....I mean ALWAYS stocked with beer, liquor and wine, fine cheeses, pates, fresh breakfast items, did I mention booze? I saw that there were about 5 bottles of opened white wines. Something took over me, I had five minutes before my mom got back, we were going out to dinner and I couldn't drink, and the wine was pricey shit. I picked up a bottle and pounded about half of it in one sip, no glass needed- I was in a hurry. It tasted great, it had been so long since I drank, and it just energized me in a way like a kid stealing a cookie before dinner. No one knows, no harm done...it was only about 1 1/2 glasses. I didn't get buzzed and I didn't drink for the rest of the trip. And I am telling you, that fridge and LIQUOR CABINET was killing me. I just wanted to drink the whole time I was around all of that shit. So I fucked up my 3 weeks of sobriety- not my much, just a big sip. So, I could have lied to you all and maintained my days of not drinking, but God is always watching. I am proud though that I didn't raid the fridge while my mom was in the shower. I was too afraid of getting caught. I told my brother and my mom that its was okay if they had a glass at dinner- they had two. But I felt empowered that I had my big sip, so it wasn't as difficult to get through dinner. The check for the three of us was $500!! My 24 year old brother is a commercial real estate agent and made $150,000 last week so he took us out to splurge. I told him, "WHERE IS MY FUCKING CHECK!!!???". But I don't want to rain on his parade or his success or his hard work so I just sat there is amazement as he told us he has made $270,000 so far this year- HE'S 24!!!! I'm broke and everyone else is my family is loaded. FUN. But if I want to spend $50,000 on coke, that's my business and my devestated financial future. So, I'm back and now have to go visit my baby daddy tomorrow. I love him, miss him and want to see him, but its 8 hours of driving for me and I'm tired. But I'm going anyway, its worth it. So I'll stalk to all soon, and gotta start counting my days over.
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