Intervention

"Days like this....I don't know what to do with myself....all day.....and all night".
-Fiona Apple

I'm sure most of you have seen or heard about this A&E Documentary Special about addiction and recovery. I DVR it every week and it fascinates me. If you haven't seen it or have missed some episodes, check out www.aetv.com/intervention/. I think a main component of these episodes focuses on not only the addiction itself, but the complete effect it had on those who love that person. Its incredible that when a person has an addiction, they don't care about anything else. They're in denial, they lie about it, they avoid their loved ones, and they will risk everything to continue their behavior. And most of them are desperate to change, but can't.

"How can we comprehend the concept of a person that wants to stop doing something, and they cannot, despite catastrophic consequences...and yet they cannot control their behavior".
-HBO Documentary Series, ADDICTION.

In my case, although an intervention was certainly discussed by my family members, it was never carried out. And I needed one. But isn't it funny, that the selfish person that the addict is, seems to always explode on their family members at some sort of intervention. They get so angry, they feel betrayed, they attempt to run from it, and it is so typical to again attack those who are trying to help you when it comes to your addiction. We are too afraid to think of changing our behavior, in fact we don't think its possible. We are afraid, very afraid. Its so easy for somebody else to tell you too stop drinking or using- they don't have the illness. In ways, they don't understand.

My son was divine intervention. However, it could not stop me from starting the behavior again after his birth. So here I am. 10 days sober, didn't have any more money to continue drinking, and was emotionally at a bottom. I felt so useless, unmotivated, helpless, a total loser, an alcoholic. But my financial situation forced me to consider not drinking. Then I found Lushgirls blog, and something inside of me got strong- something clicked. I cried as I drove to Borders to get the Big Book, scared shitless at the thought of stopping, and took it day by day. I'm shocked I've been able to not drink for 10 days, considering I wanted to drink over the weekend- god, cravings suck. But I went to a women's meeting last night. They were so nice, I could have stayed there for hours. At the meeting I met a woman who was at a meeting for the first time and one day sober. I gave her my blog to check out since snooping on all of you really got me through those first couple of days. And writing down my feelings, and receiving your wonderful responses is such a emotional boost and gets me through the day. Today I feel better and now realize that this isn't going to be easy. In fact at the meeting last night, I was a little dismayed because women that were 18 years sober seemed to still have to live day to day, struggling. Does it ever get easier, will the urges ever go away? God, I pray that it does.

Today, I am grateful for:

My son,
My family,
A good nights sleep with no fear,
Having hardly any nightmares since I stopped drinking,
That I have had cash my purse for 10 days and haven't spent it on booze,
That I cleaned my rims this morning,
That I am going to visit my boyfriend tomorrow,
That I won't drink on the way there,
That I won't drink today,
That I am managing to fight off my urges to use,
That my life is in Gods hands.