Well, well, well...I made it two weeks. There was definitely challenging days and a fight against temptation but I haven't given in, and I haven't been going to hardly any meetings. I just don't want to bring my son. He is learning his voice and squeals all day. If someone was trying to share, it really would be distracting. But sometimes when we are in public places he is very quiet and just likes to look around, so I guess I have no idea how he'll act. I suppose I could just leave but that would frustrate me. Maybe I should just look into a babysitter, but the feeling of leaving him with a complete stranger is unsettling. Well, my Dad and his wife are moving home this weekend and have told me they would watch my son whenever, so I need to abuse that offer and take them up on it as much as I can. I blogging, snooping and reading the Big Book so that's been helping me along- I have made it two weeks for fux sake!!
So, last night my Dad took me out to dinner, at my ex friends place of employment. Me and this girl have been friends since 7th grade. We smoked blunts daily, drank together, partied together, ripped lines together, shopped together, shoplifted together, talked everyday, talked shit about everyone everyday (her favorite thing to do) and became good friends. At my age, she has been pregnant four times, two abortions, two kids- she's now married to the father of the last two. She hates him, he hates her. Out of anyone I know she is the bitchiest, has severe anxiety, she uses people, she lies to people, she is a current cokehead, pothead and drinker. Christ, the only thing she has in her fridge in a big bottle of wine, no milk or juice for her kids!! She spends her money on weed, clothes and makeup while denying her children's needs- all the expenses are left up to her husband, and he doesn't make that much, so they have creditors calling daily. At this point she doesn't even answer her house phone, and wouldn't think of saving her waitressing money to help pay a bill or get something for her kids. And she abuses her kids physically, verbally and emotionally. She neglects them, in fact resents them. She puts on a facade, in her new outfit, pretending to like her kids, pretending her marriage isn't in a fuckin ditch, pretending she's not a drug addict...
So why was I even friends with her??? I guess I felt bad, she needed help, and before my pregnancy we hung out alot. I was a very nice friend. I would swing by her house during the day cause I knew she was alone, I'd help her do and fold laundry, or play with her kids, or just chat. There's two sides of her, a fun loving side and a bitch from hell side, which I hardly ever saw cuz I was her closest friend...LONG STORY KINDA SHORT...
Her husband is a manager at a restaurant and is often gone till 2am some nights. So she would just invite herself over to my house with her kids- one of the 5 calls I received from her everyday. She would call me with nothing to say and if I didn't answer, she would call me over and over- like I can't see the missed calls on my cell!! So one night she came over, I had wine of course, and she let her kids just tear up my fucking house. Her daughter is wonderful, the sweetheart gets called stupid everyday by her bitch of a mom and still is a doll. She told me several times she wished I was her mother and loved me more- so sad. Her son, on the other hand, is nuts. Totally undisciplined, wild, doesn't listen, is a fucking terror. Yes, he's only 1 1/2, its not his fault. The screaming, neglect and lack of structure is his life has created these behaviors. That night, my son was 5 weeks old, baby daddy fresh in jail and all I wanted is to avoid her anxiety like the plague. But she shows up on my doorstep- "we just wanna stop by quick and see the baby!!" So her son runs to my home phone, picks it up and starts pressing every button, "No, no Jayden, don't play with my phone" I was expecting a call from my boyfriend..."He can play with your phone if he wants, he won't break it"- what bitch? If I ask your son not to play with my phone, that is my decision- its my house!
So he's over at my laptop, slamming the keys, trying to rip my IPOD from its player. I said, Karen (the bitch), "get him out of there!!". She said, "Well, maybe you shouldn't leave this shit laying around, you should childproof your house now that you're a mom" BITCH--"My son is five weeks old!!". So, I drag a chair over and try to block him. It barely works. Then he's going through my garbage, then he trying to pull cords out of my TV, then he touching all my sons new toys with his filthy hands, then he puts my sons binkie in his mouth, then he takes his shitty diaper off and sits on my couch, then he throws his food all over my kitchen floor and walls while his mom is hitting a joint in my back bathroom- who gives their kid a huge bowl of spaghetti at his age and doesn't try to feed him or at least supervise him. He ran his goopy spaghetti fingers all over my glass table which she didn't clean up or even notice. He's trying to climb into my sons bassinet with him which the bitch thinks is fine- NO ITS NOT- HES GONNA SMACK OR LAY ON MY BABY!!!!. I'm at the breaking point now and just end the night and tell her I'm going to bed.
So the next morning, I wake up to discover that a $45 gold frame is smashed behind where my laptop was- shocker. Then I go to pick up my phone, no dial tone, I have no Internet, my modem was pulled from the socket and everthing was dead. I plug it back in and try to get online, no Internet. I realize that my cord leading to my modem was RIPPED out of the back of my computer- the gold bars so fucked up that it will not fit back into its opening in my laptop. So the bitches son ruined my laptop because he was completely unsupervised. I'M PISSED, MY DADS PISSED. HE HAS JUST BOUGHT THAT FOR ME.
So I text her and tell her thanks alot for breaking my fucking laptop. She came back at me with fury like I have never seen, defending her son, telling me I need to learn what it means to be a mom, and not even remotely apologetic or sorry for the way she did not watch her son while in my home. If my son accidentally broke someones laptop, I was apologize from the bottom of my heart and take responsibility. Oh, not Karen. We were sending hate texts all day and I told her I wanted nothing to do with her from then on, I had enough on my plate.
So we didn't speak for two months. She called me about a month ago and said she though it was stupid that we weren't talking and she wanted to stop feuding. I wanted nothing to do with her, my life was more peaceful without her daily rantings and I didn't miss her. I again reiterated why I stopped speaking to her and like nothing had changed she started defending herself and getting nasty. That's all I needed to hear. She was still the same, except she got a new DWI. We had a quick talk, she called me a week later to go to the park and I made up an excuse that I couldn't.
Its been weeks again since I've talked to her and I like it that way.
But in the Big Book, they say how necessary it is to make amends with those relationships that create stressful feelings for you. I feel that we already attempted amends, but she just felt like being a huge bitch. Is it okay to just cut her loose? Do I have to call her and just try to put things at a peaceful place so we can move on with our lives? -and not be friends? When I walked in her restaurant last night, I had a pit in my stomach. THANK GOD SHE WASN'T WORKING. I guess, I just wanted to vent about this long term friendship gone bad. I never even think to call her, don't miss her, but I miss our old friendship before she turned into a crazy person. I guess, I'll just pray that she gets help and maybe if she can change, things between us can as well. Even though the BB tells me to address these faulty relationships once and for all, I don't think that would solve anything. Well, my arm hurts from typing- any advice would be appreciated. Love ya all.
16 comments:
right now, in the beginning, while you are still struggling to stay sober and clean, you need to hang out and make friends with clean people who uplift you. you need people who give you strength and motivate you, not people who are still drinking, using and dragging you down. give her a miss for now. maybe, much later, when you are much stronger and coping well you might try calling her again. again you might not. is she really your friend? doesn't sound like it by what you wrote...
I see your point. She was my friend for 15 years, so even though it doesn't bother me to not see or talk to her now, it gives me anxiety and I'm still angry at her for the way it ended. She was pressuring me to make up and hang out and I just don't want to, but to have no resolution in a friendly way just keeps the battle alive, especially for her. I just avoid her and wish her the best, I guess. I just don't like having riffs with people. But, we tried to have a conversation a month ago and it went downhill, so its probably best to let it go for now. Thanks shadow.
Don't worry about amends until you come to Step 8. Don't start Step 8 until you've done 1 through 9. Even then, consult your sponsor about who to make amends to and how. For now, just don't drink and and go to meetings—take your Dad up on his offer to watch your son.
Do you know what Step you are on? Are you working it? Do you have a sponsor? Do you talk to an alcoholic every day? Do you ask your HP every morning to keep you sober and thank him/her/it every night? Stick to the basics.
Just my suggestions....
What Mr. Trinker said!! Sounds like you're getting ahead of yourself. Once she finds out your sober, chances are she will stay away, anyway. As my friend Pam over at Sobriety is Exhausting is always telling me, Stay in the Day.
I've been sober for almost 7 years. On Sept 28th it WILL be 7 years.
I agree with what Shadow said. You don't need to be around anyone who is using now anyways. Obviously, from your post, she is a huge source of stress for you. Stress you don't need at this time in your life.
Just keep doing what you're doing. Blog a lot, get to meetings. One thing I would like to stress right now is, don't isolate yourself though. It always got me in the end. I would always give in to temptation if I was alone.
Praying for ya!
Ditto!! Everything everyone said. Let her stay in your past. Don't bring her in your now. Get stronger first. Take today, one day, and let her be your yesterday. Prayers for you!!
Krista...
I agree with the other comments. It's very important to stay positive. I have found the best way for me to stay positive is to hang with positive people. Everyone has bad days, and that's fine. It's the energy you get from someone.
We have to 'hang together' as BB says.
The advise to not do steps 8 and 9 is very wise. Concentrate on how you are powerless over people, places, and things for now. Read 'Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow' and remember that Karen is in your 'yesterday'. Don't let her drag you down.
It is also very annoying when other kids are not disiplined and are allowed to run wild. Not your fault. I was going to say not your problem, but when it's in your house, it is your problem. Good for you for not allowing that to continue.
You've done a miraculous thing, staying sober for 2 weeks, one day at a time. Keep it up!!
Keep blogging, and venting as well. I believe it's one of the things that is helping you stay sober.
Drinking friends are mostly s*it. Sometimes there are good ones. But mostly no. Dead wood.
In AA the slogan for this is 'Stick with the WINNERS'.
Who are the winners? Easy!
The people who HAVE GOT WHAT YOU WANT.
So practice that, and the rest will be easy.
Don't worry. Its getes easier!
Keep coming back!
lordy lordy girl! Those are the kind of evenings we leave behind. When we use the 12 steps in our life (achieved only by working with a sponsor) these events no longer happen to us or with us. Our lives become about seeking calmness and serenity. You have the desire, and the willingness..that is all you need. Figure out a way to get to meetings that is where you will find the solutions to a LOT of everyday living problems. Keep writting...keep coming back. STAY IN THE DAY. You can do this "little mama" :)
wow I am impressed with you setting your boundries with her, keep em up- she is a TOXIC friend, and you already know that.
I remember when Bayleigh was 5 months old, that I took her to a speakers meetings, and she had discovered her voice and other things too. I had to leave. It was frustrating.
Luckily for me, my mom would wathc her from then on. So yea take advatage of your DAD being able to watch him, and go to meetings. You will meet and probably trust other sober moms and then you could trade babysitting.
I did that with a gal for about a year. She had 3 boys and I had just Bayleigh but once a week she would watch my kid and then I would watch hers. It worked.
Hang in there - sending you hugs
You are tagged. Go to my blog and see. Have fun...........
Krista,
You are doing great... I know these past weeks have been hard but keep you head up. Surrounding yourself with positive people will help make you recovery a postive one. If she is truley your friend she will be there when are stronger.
ROXY
She sounds way to toxic and you just do not need that early on in your recovery, or at any other time of your life...
Sounds like she should go on your 4th step. Don't let the resenment eat you up. Yea, stay with clean & healthy, or at least working toward getting healthy people in your life. That's good you wrote about it, save it to put on your 4th step, when you get there. As Pam puts it, stay in the day. Love you Keep on Keepin' On!
can't add anything new to all of the insight given already...but I do appreciate how you write...
I am so glad to see all of the love and support that you are being given here! Nothing new or wise to add though, I think it's all been said. I do think that the meetings will be a lifeline for you. I attended meetings on a daily basis with her when AAngel was a baby. For the most part she was very well behaved! Once a week or so I would get a sitter.
One of my sponsors told me that if I had ro bring my baby with and someone didn't like it- too bad! If they want to focus on the baby being a baby, then that is what they'll take with them. I have a friend who often brings her 10 month okd with her, all the ladies and some of the men take turns holding him! AAngel often takes him out to a park or something too...help is there for you, gotta do the meetings gurl I want you around for a looooong time!
Love ya!
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